Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

PG Tips has a fine tradition of using chimps in their ads. Now they've gone one better. They've used 'Munkey' and Al in a stunning Morecambe & Wise tribute.

And here's what I wrote when Aunt Bessie tried the same thing.

"He nicked my Irn Bru and let go of my hand!"

I just love The Snowman pastiche!

Eek! There's another one!

I've been butterfly-spotting again. As well as NSPCC, Surf and Westfield, there's one in the GHD ad.

If I wasn't scared of them before, I might be getting that way soon.

P.S. I know it's something to do with hair, but I still don't know what GHD is or does. Or why I should spend money on it!

It can't be easy...

...photographing probably the most photographed couple in the world and making them look different.

So it's doubly surprising to see the mean and moody TV and print ads for Brand Beckham's Signature fragrance ("a fresh woody oriental fragrance with seductive undertones").

David even manages to look a bit sinister.

Maybe they briefed him to act "fresh, woody and oriental" (he already has seductive undertones).



P.S. And what a great name for people who probably spend much of their time signing autographs!

"Roll up, roll up!"

According to the ads, Britney Spears just has released an album called Circus.

Meanwhile, Take That have just released an album called The Circus.

Bet they both thought they'd found an original title.

Just goes to show (geddit?). Great ideas float around in the air all the time, and sometimes different people catch the same ones at the same time.

I blame the zeitgeist.

What is it with butterflies?

I recently posted about butterflies appearing in two ads at once, now a third has come along.

Not quite butterflies this time; more like moths, as fashionistas sprout wings and fly towards the light of London's new Westfield Shopping Centre.



Watch the ad on YouTube.

Lost in translation

Someone in Spain was havin' a larf. We found 'carbonara' translated as 'charcoal' while this menu offers ice cream made of hemstitches, and cocktails including handles, files, hand grenades and good grass. Mmm, dos para me, por favor!

Hola!

Did you miss me? I've been away in Spain. Oh, I do love having hot sunny holidays during the cold drizzly UK winter!

I was on the lookout for interesting ads, but I only found one, headed 'Artvertising'.

Now I'm on the lookout for an opportunity to use that lovely new word.

Right place, right time

Picture the scene...

A hungover young man is walking down the road, looking a bit scruffy and feeling a bit rough.

A stranger comes running up to him and asks: "Would you like to appear in our advert? We'll pay you!"

They pick him up in a limo, drive him to the location, shoot all day and all night, then return him to his home in the limo and pay him £x,xxx.

It happened to the son of my dance teacher.

You can admire his performance in the Argos ad where all the guys rush to a petrol station to buy gifts at 23.59 on Christmas Eve. He's the one you glimpse holding a pair of sunglasses.

Ironically, it's his brother who's drama-trained and dreaming of telly stardom.

"I wanna tell you a story"

We all love stories (witness the appeal of soap operas and gossip magazines). And Boots tell lots of different ones in their 'Secret Santa' TV ad.

It starts with the premise that men are no good at buying gifts – staff in an office each pick a name to buy a gift for. The men sit at their desks, clueless. The girls dance off to Boots to the re-recorded version of 'Here Come the Girls'. One buys tweezers for her colleague with a monobrow. Another wraps herself in festive paper. In desperation, a guy wraps up a stapler.

I love story-telling. And I adore this ad!

In the words of Noddy Holder...

"It's Chriiistmaaaaas!!!"

Except that it isn't. It's the middle of November.

Not that you'd know it from the number of Christmassy ads that are around at the moment.

Still, at least they didn't start their Christmas advertising any earlier.

As far as I know, this year's Christmas is on 25 December as usual.

Crash test dummies

A Renault ad from France



And the response from Bavaria!

Ads that make me shut my eyes

"And that's what killed Richard."

That's the closing line of an ad about wearing a seat-belt. It explains that the initial impact didn't kill him. His body kept travelling but that didn't kill him. His internal organs kept travelling, and that's what killed him.

I've heard the script before. I've seen the ads before. I've also seen a real road accident. And I never want to see one again.

If you can't say it, sing it

Listen to Radio 4 today at 4.30pm to hear jingles through the ages.

Just like buses

You wait for ages for a pink butterfly and then two come along at once. Typical.

Exhibit A: NSPCC 'Child's Voice Appeal' with pairs of ears flapping like butterflies.

Exhibit B: Surf girl chasing a butterfly under the covers and over the landscape.

It's particularly strange when they are shown one after the other.

Sign of the Times

I saw something advertised today that I've never seen before.

H&T Pawnbrokers.

The TV ad featured a chirpy, jolly animation and voiceover with the slogan: 'There's a new gold-rush'.

I'm not sure that someone selling their gold is in quite such a cheerful mood, but then advertising reflects real life without actually reflecting real life.

And that's my sobering thought for the day.

An Homage

Family Lunch Dance R..
Watch the ad...

The Aunt Bessie ad shows a choreographed family serving a roast lunch to big band music, and the caption 'Another all-time family favourite'. And so it is. Watch out for Dad carving the beef with decided echoes of Morecambe & Wise.

Here's the unbeatable original in all its glory.

Talking of signs

I saw one at a hotel entrance the other day that reads: 'Smoking is not allowed in this building. If you observe someone smoking, complaints may be made to the management.'

So what's wrong with that?

Well, what it actually says, is that if someone sees you watching someone smoking, they can make a complaint about you.

Warning. I'm going to talk about grammar now.

The problem is that it mixes passive and active tenses which changes the meaning.

It's better to use the active tense throughout (and be more specific and simplify the language at the same time) i.e. 'If you see someone smoking, please tell our staff at Reception.'

It doesn't tell me where to complain about dodgy sign-writing.

Reading the signs

In a book of short stories by Richard Bach, there is a chapter listing *all* the signs that can be read from one point inside an airport. It starts with a complaint from a staff member that people keep asking their way. "There is a sign, but they don't read the signs." That's because there are so many it's almost impossible to pick out the one/s that relate to you.

Trouble is, once you learn how to read, you do it so quickly you can't *stop* yourself doing it.

A series of signs has sprung up along my local main road. Each one has a main message (e.g. 'Turn Off Your Mobile', 'Wear Your Seat-belt' or 'The Speed Limit Is 30'), plus a web link and various logos underneath it.

There were already a number of signs in place along that route, including road signs/symbols, property 'For Sale' signs and banners about a boot fair in the church hall.

What worries me is that there are now so many signs to read that it distracts drivers from their driving.

I heard of an experiment somewhere, where all this street 'noise' was taken away... drivers drove more carefully.

Wish that would happen round my way.

Read the small print

The Nutella ad mentions it contains hazelnuts, skimmed milk and cocoa powder.

Mmm. Sounds nice. And healthy too!

The ad doesn't say anything about the sugar and fat content. Those are only listed on the label. Sugar is listed first, which means there is more of it than anything else.

Shame. I might have bought some if I hadn't noticed that...

Having a bad day?

It won't be as bad as the guy in the Timberland Earthkeepers ad.

He's blown off the cliff edge, chased by bees, trips over a rock, falls in the river, is attacked by eagles...all because he's wearing the wrong shoes.

And you thought the worst the wrong shoes could give you was blisters!

Talking of tattoos...

There's an ad where an old lady discusses the reliability of the oven she bought years ago. A good decision. Then shows off the tattoo on her wrinkled upper arm. Bad decision.

That's why I've never had one done.

Words that should be used more often (part 7)

"Traipse" as used in the Argos TV ad.

Definition: To tramp or trudge wearily / A tedious journey on foot *

Most consumer groups advise you to shop around to find a good deal. Some people (not me) actually enjoy the experience of 'going shopping'.

Contrariwise, the Argos message (as with any department store / big catalogue) is that you don't have to, because you can find everything you need in one place.

So they take the positive 'shop around' and turn it into the negative 'traipse around'.

Your challenge this week is to use the word "traipse" as often as possible. And if you don't want to do that, then try using the word "contrariwise."

* Source: The Concise Oxford Dictionary

Did I really hear that?

Driving to Clapham yesterday, I heard a Visa ad on the radio that included the line: "Take her up the allotment".

Bet the copywriter had a laugh when the client approved that script!

(I was going to say 'when that one slipped through' but I thought it might be a bit rude.)

And now

we're watching screens on our screens (see previous post)!

Ford Fiesta

The car is supposed to be targeting women.

I'm a woman!*

But I didn't even notice the car was pink.

Maybe it's because the ad, to me, appears to be targeting men.

You know, screens, technology, all that gadgety kind of thing that us girlies can't get our pretty little heads around. All shot in in scary streets in the dark of night.

Maybe they should have showed how many kids / shopping bags / bars of chocolate could fit inside the car = giant handbag on wheels.

After all, isn't that what women's cars are for?

* Not a typical woman, I admit.

Move it!

I went up to London recently. Travelled on the tube. Couldn't help noticing that some of the promotional posters that used to line the escalators have been replaced by screens showing moving adverts.

I know why they've done it.

It's because the eye can't help but be drawn to something that moves. It's why you can't stop flicking your gaze towards the TV when it's on in a room, even if you're not 'watching' it. And why web designers include Flash animations on otherwise static web pages.

But it worries me.

So many of us work at a computer all day, looking at light on a screen. Then we watch TV or go to the cinema for relaxation, looking at a screen. Or we play computer games, go on social networking sites, or check our emails on the move. Looking at a screen.

It can't be good for the eyes.

Why am I writing this? Why are you reading it?

STOP! In the name of love

What if modern advertisers were briefed to create a stop sign?

Watch the video.

The sign of a really really really well-loved brand...

...is when customers get it tattooed on their skin!

I can understand why it works for Harley Davidson.



I get that it could be slighty ironic for Lacoste.



But I'm bewildered why anyone would want a tattoo of Dr Pepper!



P.S. The Apple tattoo collection. Ouch.

I'm sitting on the train to Kent...

...looking at an advert.

Is the main logo at the top? No, it is not. It's in the bottom right hand corner, so it's the last thing you see. (No-one cares who you are until they know what you can do for them.)

So what's at the top?

A dramatic picture, about half the page, of a big-wheeled red truck driving over some squashed cars.

Then there's a heading: 'The Hop Farm, Paddock Wood' and sub-heading: 'Experience some of the South East's best events by train' (which tells me Who What When Where Why and How).

Some brief body copy follows but I can't read it from this distance.

And the call to action (phone number and web link) is big at the bottom.

Why is it laid out this way?

Because those of us who read from left to right read print ads with a Z-pattern eyeflow, starting at the top left, crossing to the top right, moving diagonally down to bottom left and leaving the page at bottom right.

So that's the best way to lay out your ads too.

Back to Basics

Coca Cola packaging got a bit cluttered. So they've simplified it. And isn't it lovely!

Read more about the Coke redesign

Comparing the comparison sites

I like to think my buying choices are not affected by adverts. But of course they are. For instance, for the past few years I've been buying my car insurance via confused.com. When I first saw their TV ads I thought "Brilliant! They've solved the problem of spending hours on the phone or Internet repeating your details every time!"

Last week I travelled on the tube to meet a friend in London.

In front of me was an ad by moneysupermarket.com. I've also seen their ads on TV, but buyer apathy meant I stuck with confused.com as my comparison site of choice.

Not any more.

The Money Supermarket ad displayed the results of independent research by Ipsos MORI of the number of cheapest quotes out of 100 for car insurance.

As I writer, I always carry pen and paper with me in case inspiration strikes. In this case, I noted down the numbers for you:

Money Supermarket 42
Tesco Compare 22
Confused 19
Go Compare 17
Compare The Market 13
USwitch 9

OK, so they don't add up to 100. I'm guessing some of the sites offered the same cheap quotes. And I don't know what spec of car they quoted for. I'm guessing it's one that shows their results more favourably.

Because we're all busy people, we take short-cuts when we can to save time. For me, next time I need car insurance, I'll go to Money Supermarket. I'll wait until then to see if I like their site as much as I like(d) Confused.

Because sometimes numbers speak louder than words.

Audience participation

Revels are inviting us to vote out our least favourite at Revels Eviction. (Takes a while but it's worth it!)

While Walkers want us to nominate a new flavour in return for £50,000 at Do Us A Flavour.

In the words of Wolfie Smith, "Power to the People!"

Does the ASA have any teeth?

Read these FAQs from their website and decide for yourself.

Q6. What if I notice that a misleading advertisement is repeated after action by the ASA?

You should bring this to the attention of the ASA who will take further action. The system overseen by the ASA is self-regulatory and relies on a responsible approach by advertisers. If an advertiser chooses to ignore an ASA ruling, the ASA can call on the industry to take action against the advertiser by, for example, alerting publishers that the advertisements should not be accepted or by applying other sanctions.

Q7. What if further action by the ASA doesn't work?

In the end, if self-regulation proves ineffective, the ASA can refer the case to the Office of Fair Trading (OFT) for investigation under the Control of Misleading Advertisements Regulations. If the OFT agrees that an advertisement is misleading it can apply to the courts for an injunction to prevent publication of the advertisement. If the advertisement is repeated again, it would be treated as contempt of court and the advertiser could be fined. Although the OFT can take action in response to direct complaints from the public it will normally only act after the complaint has been investigated by the ASA.

Air guitar

Hello. My name is Jackie and I like Nickelback*.

So I can't let another day go by without commenting on the DFS Rockstar ad.

I don't like the awful dancing. Even it it is deliberately bad.

I don't like the ads, which seem to have any old music clunked on just so people can dance around their sofas.

Ergo, I don't like DFS.

But I still like Nickelback. Sorry!

*Yeah, I'm a rock chick!

[Edit: These ads were banned for making the sofas appear larger than they really are.]

Jumping on the Beijing Bandwagon

Advertisers around the world seem to have sat down and said: "Let's do something topical around the Olympics."

I'd award a gold to SpecSavers: Short-sighted long-jumper ends up in sandpit.

But I'd disqualify Scottish Widows: Muscular athletes morph into Little Black Riding Hood.

I blame Budweiser commercials

Specifically this one commercial about a man being reincarnated as a puppy. He's in heaven because he's being kissed and fondled by a gorgeous model. But then the model hands the puppy over to her hideously portrayed grandma, and the puppy wants to kill himself.

What is the point of this misogyny? What the hell is the matter with this society that it feels compelled to ridicule any woman past the age where she is deemed sexually attractive and therefore useful to men? No wonder middle-aged women are gong bonkers: first they're zapped by total hormone chaos that gives them hot flashes and black depressions, and then society tells them that if they're not invisible, they're ridiculous.

When I get older I'm moving to Europe, where old women are not only respected but are encouraged to become as goofy as they want.

From 'Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Goodbye' by Cynthia Heimel

Collectables

I notice that Becks beer are doing their limited art labels again.

Read what the V&A have to say about it.

It's like Harry Potter books that have two covers, one for adults, one for children...

Or like Innocent drinks in Winter with their woolly hats, each individually knitted by customers...

What an inspired way to get people to buy more stuff!

Who'd have thought

Coca Cola would ever be advertised as a healthy drink?

The new ad talks about its 'no added preservatives, no artificial flavours'.

No mention of the added sugar then.

Ants in your pants?

Worse.

While Blogger was down, I'm sure I saw an Always ad with little blue dodgem cars* racing around on a panty liner.

I can't find it online anywhere. I can't believe it was real. Was it just a bad dream?

* In my day they were called bumper cars but that was before Health & Safety

Arguably the most expensive ad ever made

The opening ceremony for the Beijing Olympics.

Bye bye, Howard Brown

According to today's Metro, the singer has been dropped from future Halifax ads because his cheeky chappy persona doesn't suit the current economic climate.

Does that mean we're in for a commercial crunch as well as a credit crunch?

A spammer, moi?

You might have noticed it's been a bit quiet on the Bad Ads blog for the last few days. That's because Blogger had a bug that decided lots of us innocent bloggers were spammers, and temporarily shut us down.

Anyway, it's all fixed now, and we're all back to business as usual.

A classic from the archives (part 4)

At last, a serious post about UK advertising!

Read about the new Advertising Code from Ofcom announced yesterday.

Bad taste

Now and again I catch the titles to the Richard & Judy show, sponsored by Chevrolet, with the voiceover: "Great value, without the nonsense".

Trouble is, the car is in the backgound. The logo is too small to be recognisable. And the viewer's eye is attracted to the range of kitsch items that are dropped in the foreground – sometimes a miner's helmet, sometimes a vase, sometimes platform shoes, other times one of those tall wooden giraffe ornaments.

I don't get it.

Who's to say those items are nonsense? I reckon they are just the kind of things that certain R&J viewers might like! I know I do. Well, some of them anyway.

If Chevrolet are trying to raise their profile in the UK, why don't they build the brand on Americana ("Drove my Chevvy to the levee but the levee was dry" etc.?

P.S. Mind you, in my research for this post I was delighted to discover The Richard Madeley Appreciation Society which makes it all worthwhile.

Lil-lets in La-La Land

Have you listened to the script for the new Lil-lets TV ad? The (female) voiceover says:

"Let's suppose you designed our tampon. Let's suppose you made the tip rounded so it's easy to use. Let's assume you made it cushioned with a soft cover so it feels more comfortable. Let's imagine you design it to expand gently all round for the perfect fit. And let's expect you make it in a full range of absorbencies to suit your flow. Well, we thought the same as you. Lil-Lets. Designed for comfort."

It's the 'us and them' approach that I have a problem with.

P.S. And of course the animation is blue.

Copycats?

The Government's anti-smoking ad is designed to show that children copy their parents. There's mum in the background, smoking in the doorway. And there's cute kid in the foreground, 'puffing' on a crayon.

Guess what.

I'm told children all over the country are now 'smoking' their crayons.

That worked then, didn't it.

Viral marketing (2)

A boyfriend videoed his girlfriend 'hula hooping' in her underwear on their Wii Fit, then posted it on YouTube.

Nintendo claim they had nothing to do with it. Bet they wish they had thought of it though. At the time of writing, it's coming up for 5 million views.

Watch it here.

Viral marketing (1)

Let me pass on this 7-up ad. As Tony the Tiger would say, "it's grreeeaaaattttt!"

Blue is back!

Smarties - Blue Is B..
Watch the ad...

Sex sells!

And they say the Irish are daft

Have you noticed that it's Terry Wogan who intones 'Every Little Helps'?

That's fine. His personal brand is seemingly a good fit with a family supermarket.

A spokesman for Tesco says: "Everyone loves Terry. He's got such a wonderful, warm voice and he's instantly recognisable. We're delighted to associate our brand with him."

But why would the scripts be written as though Terry actually works there? We all know he doesn't stack shelves. He doesn't need to, with his legendary broadcasting career and reported £20m fortune.

Please, Tesco, stop Terry talking about 'we' and 'our' when referring to your shops; call it 'them' and 'their' and I might take your ads a little bit more seriously.

High flyers

A first in the industry, watch the live sky-divers ad .

And the latest version.

Honda Accord - Steer..
Watch the ad...

A classic from the archives (part 3)

Honda 'Difficult is worth doing'

P.S. According to Wikipedia, it took 606 takes to get it perfect.

Songs that get stuck in your head

"Toblerone. Out on its own. Triangular chocolate. That's Toblerone. Made with triangular almonds. From triangular trees. And triangular honey. From triangular bees. Oh, Mr Confectioner, please. Give me Toblerone."

Remember that?

They do say 'if you can't say it, sing it', but let's look at what that particular song says...

The product is called Toblerone. It's made of chocolate. It contains almonds and honey. It's a triangle shape. And there's even a call to action, telling you what to do about it!

No wonder the annoying little ditty is still stuck in my head.

Sensory overwhelm

I've travelled into London three times this week, catching trains into and out of Victoria and Charing Cross, and tubes on the Bakerloo, Northern, Central and Piccadilly lines.

I saw adverts at the stations, in the corridors and on the trains. And I can hardly remember any of them! Even though I was consciously looking for ads to write about in this blog.

It's said we are exposed to more sales messages in a day than our grand-parents were in a lifetime.

After the week I've just had, I'm sure that's true.

Arty Farty: an update

Last September, I wrote about an artist's postcard that I didn't believe would win them any business.

Maybe they read my comments, because this year I received another one.

This time, the front has 20 square images butted together, showing snippets of different art pieces. The instructive heading reads: "See Artists' Summer Exhibitions 2008"*.

The back has 4 more captioned images and simple details of when the exhibitions are, where they are, and what to do for more information. The type is enlarged and emboldened where necessary for skim-reading.

Well done, that artist! You've learned a lesson over these past few months. Either that, or you've teamed up with three other artists who do know what they're doing with their marketing.

*Actually it doesn't have the apostrophe that it should. I put that in myself. Just couldn't help it. Sorry!

Is it just me?

Or does anyone else think that hair-colour ad is ridiculous – the one where the tall girl with the dyed red hair looks in the shop window, takes off her white woolly hat, faces up to the snooty sales lady, and buys the staggeringly high-heeled red shoes?

I know they want you to 'get noticed', but surely not for the wrong reasons.

Do advertisers have a social responsibility?

New telly ad. A bottle of Surf Small & Mighty (accidentally) drops into a fountain. Presumably, the lid comes off. Bubbles go everywhere, turning the world around into a sweet-scented bubbly paradise.

Oops.

I seem to remember people used to empty their shampoo or washing-up liquid bottles into the fountains in Trafalgar Square. It wasn't considered a good thing.

Do you think anyone will be inspired by this ad to give it a try?

I hope not.

Gratuitous nudity

A new TV ad starts with a close up of bare feet walking in the long grass. The camera pans slowly up a naked body in the sunlight. The beautiful young model turns to smile and we see her gap-toothed mouth (probably inked in with black pen).

It's advertising Corsodyl Daily Defence, a treatment for gum disease.

I know what they're trying to do...'sex sells'. But is it really appropriate, relevant or necessary in this case? I don't think so.

Failing the 'Dirty Mind Test'

I saw an animated TV ad for Canesten Duo thrush treatment last night. I'd just taken a swig of wine and nearly splurted it all over the carpet when I heard the voiceover:

"Leaves you feeling yourself again."

Whoops! Are they sure that's what they wanted to say?

Having had thrush myself (too much information? sorry!), I can tell you their slogan "Cools and Clears" is exactly what sufferers are looking for.

Instead of a cartoon flipchart, why not show a flaming match, crackling in close-up, then being dunked into a glass of iced water? Because that's what having the thrush itch feels like. It BURNS!!!

In the interests of research

I've spotted a new ad on my TV.

A queue of people line up along a line. The VO says 'Form a line for Formoline. Formoline.co.uk.'

OK, so the most wanted response is to visit the website. But there's no clue in the ad about what you'll find when you get there. So that you don't have to do it, I have visited the website for you.

It's about weight loss.

There you are, you don't have to waste electrons now!

Don't say I never give you anything.

Commercial-free?

Magners have 'bought all the ads' on Virgin Radio today, to make it a 'commercial-free' bank holiday.

Commercial-free, apart from the regular announcements that Magners have sponsored the whole day.

It's what I call 21st century advertising...soft sell...added value...generating goodwill...

It's hardly commercial-free, but good luck to them.

Voice of an angel

Charlotte Church sings "I want it all" on TV and radio ads for Virgin holidays.

It plays to her strengths (she's not known for her self-restraint). Taps into the zeitgeist. And the girl sure can sing! Now that's what I call a great celebrity endorsement.

What can we learn from The Apprentice?

This week, the contestants were challenged to come up with a brand identity for a new range of antibiotic tissues, and make a 30-second TV ad and poster.

Team 1 designed a subtle green box with hearts on it, named "I love my tissues" ('love' was a heart shape), and made an arty ad about 'building relationships' that starred Sian Lloyd and some cute school-kids.

They lost because:
- they picked an unrealistic brand name
- their pack design wouldn't stand out on the shop shelf
- there was no pack shot in the ad
- they didn't mention the main USP (antibacterial)
- their choice of celebrity made no sense (Sian is known as a weather-girl, and for being the ex of politician Lembit Opek who's engaged to marry a Cheeky Girl) and most of her scenes were cut

Anyway, who has a relationship with their tissues? (Don't answer that!)

I meet designers like those all the time. Designers who are keener to have something pretty to put in their portfolio, or to win awards, rather than something that does the job it's intended to do. Form over function.

Team 2 came up with a great name 'Atishu', that works at many levels. Their box was a hideous orange. And their ad was corny but hard-hitting, with two mentions of the USP and two close-up pack shots. Function over form.

So what would I have done differently?

First, I would have gone to the supermarket and analysed existing tissue box designs. Then I would have studied the antibacterial products, to see what techniques they use to communicate their message e.g medical symbols, cartoon bacteria. I would have combined the standard elements from both for my new brand idea.

If I'd thought of the Team 2 name, I'd have written a slogan to match e.g. 'Can I have Atishu?' or 'Atishu? Bless you!' Or maybe I'd call the tissues 'Anti-B' and promote them with 'Ant & Bee' characters from the children's books. In the pitch presentation, I might even suggest stretching the brand to include 'Ask Anti-B' with Kind Dog (or was it Friendly Dog?) as an agony aunt, answering questions about hygiene and health!

Next, I'd write a storyboard for the ad, knowing the maximum number of words that can fit per second, and that with film you can have pictures without words but not words without pictures. I'd consider a range of situations where tissues are used – perhaps blotting lipstick, mopping tears at a weepy film, fluttering from a lady's handbag and being caught and returned to her by a romantic hero (as handkerchiefs used to be), beside the bed (!), wiping a snotty kid's nose. And if I wanted a celebrity endorsement, I'd write the script to suit them (if it was a comedian, I'd probably pay them to write their own lines).

Finally, I'd play 'devil's advocate', by getting the team to think of all the possible criticisms of the solution, and then fix them.

That's a process that makes sense to me. But then, it seems common sense is not very common for the Apprentice candidates!

I have a theory about hyphens.

Two words get used separately for a while. Then they are combined with a hyphen. Finally, they merge into one, new word.

There is no worldwide consensus about the day when A changes to B and B changes to C. It happens gradually. That's the beauty of an evolving language.

But it does annoy me when people get the 'hyphen' in the wrong place. For example, when the ads talk about 'laser-vision correction'. Not 'laser vision-correction' as it should be.

I don't know anyone with laser-vision that needs it corrected. I do know people who would like vision-correction, with lasers.

I'm not suggesting that those particular words are, or ever will be, hyphenated. But I do wish voiceover artists would read scripts with meaning in mind.

Rhythm is a dancer

Yay, another fab ad has hit our screens!

Brains, the puppet from Thunderbirds, dances a la Michael Jackson, to prove that 'brains perform best when they're hydrated'. I'd never heard of Drench water before. Now, I'll never forget it.

Admire its brilliance on You Tube.

Tone of voice

I rather like the new TV ads for Loyd Grossman sauces, where various characters mimic his accent and time runs out for him to speak himself. The slogan is 'Sauces with a distinctive voice'. It fits.

So why do I like it so much? Well, in NLP terms (that's Neuro Linguistic Programming), everyone has a preferred sense – either visual, auditory or kinaesthetic (feeling). I'm a word person, so it won't surprise you to discover that I'm mainly auditory. So a slogan that talks about 'voice' is talking directly to me. (Note how I write 'talks about' where someone else might write 'reads' or 'includes').

And I like the fact that they have combined the sense of taste (a sauce) with the sense of hearing (voice). The ad won't appeal so much to the visuals or kinaesthetics among us but hey, you can't have everything...

"Don't stop me now"

As a fan of chocolate and chocolate advertising, this follow-up to the wonderful drumming gorilla doesn't work for me. On any level.

Don't Stop Me Now

I repeatedly watched the first one with enjoyment (surely that's the feeling Cadbury's want their product to inspire). I watched the second with confusion and disappointment.

At a time when Heathrow's T5 is in the news for all the wrong reasons, we see airport trucks having a race and baggage being dumped all over the runway. Not sure if they are real trucks or toy ones, being driven by humans or by themselves. Compared with the first ad, it's complicated and unsatisfactory.

Part of the magic of the original was the anticipation of the Phil Collins' drumbeats. If Cadbury wanted to use a Queen track, then why not Bohemian Rhapsody, as it builds up to the head-banging sequence?

With meerkats!

Now that I'd like to see.

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Ads that don't exist (1)

Getting tied up in knots

I've written before about businesses who name themselves by initials, and how they struggle to create brand identity from meaningless letters.

HSA is a case in point. I drove past one of their billboards yesterday and really think their sleeve 'glove' puppet 'Hey Jus' Say' is trying just a bit too hard.

I'm sure someone in the briefing meeting said: "I want something really different and memorable." And the creative teams came back with this idea that ticked all the boxes.

Their previous campaign used the letters as an acronym, which at least made an effort at linking the name and the service provided.

But the problem began a long time before that.

It began when the business started trading with a name that doesn't say what it does 'on the tin'.

Not many ads give you bad dreams...

...but as a child I had recurring nightmares about Bibendum, the Michelin Man, looming into my face and then receding into the distance.



So I was dismayed to see he's back on TV again. Horrible creature.

Is it just me?

Really, truly, bad

I can't stand the Lyclear ad where the 'mum' jumps onto the stage mid-presentation and extols the virtues of a spray that kills head lice AND prevents reinfestation.

There's not a lot that's nice about head lice.

But the ad is just awful.

Mmm, luscious camerawork

Can't you just smell that fresh bread in the new Lurpak ad?

If good food deserves Lurpak, delicious work like this deserves an award.

Cats talk turkey

I love the cute talking cat TV ads for Teletext holidays. Doesn't make me want a Teletext holiday. Does make me want another cat though.

Also reminds me a bit of Lolcats.

What's a Lolcat? Find out at Wikipedia.

"The bells, Esmerelda, the bells!"

I was happy to see Mars new telly ad tips a nod to the well-remembered slogan of my youth – let's all sing along now:

"A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play."

This time, they've taken 'play' a giant step further, with leaping monks bell-ringing to the modern day tune of 'Jump Around'. The slogan is abbreviated to 'Work, rest, play' in Gothic text. A good 'life:work balance' message for us all, methinks.

The ad delighted me on first viewing!

It still makes me smile.

What's more, it makes me want a Mars Bar.

Here it is.

Thriller

I'm sooooo excited to be learning the dance routine to Thriller at my Saturday dance class! And I was even more excited when I searched it on YouTube and found this lizard version. Enjoy!

Who are you kidding?

Why would Asda look to Dad's Army for its price wars TV ad?

The big paper arrowheads are based on the programme titles, and there's a ska instrumental backing track based on the music.

I can't see it / hear it without mentally singing along: 'Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler'.

Surely the Walmart-owned Asda are not suggesting that Jewish-founded Tesco are Nazis?

Note to young people: Dad's Army was a comedy show featuring the Home Guard in the second world war.

Call me old-fashioned

but I don't like seeing ads about, erm, leaky lady gardens* on TV.

You know the kind of ads I mean...for Canesten thrush treatments...Tena Lady incontinence pads...Always sanpro... Makes it seem as though we're all sliding around leaving slimy trails behind us, like snails do.

If you buy a women's magazine, these ads sit there quite happily. Buy a women's magazine, and you know what you're going to get. Ads aimed at women. Anyone else who looks at them gets an insight into a woman's world.

I suppose there should be no secret about these things. But I do feel faintly embarrassed when I see these ads in amidst TV shows that are also watched by men and children.

What if the local priest came round for tea? Your granddad? An enquiring 10-year-old?

Turn the TV off when you get visitors. It's the only answer.

* This expression was inspired by singer KT Tunstall who said she'd blow-dry hers (Al Murray's Happy Hour last week).

Another reason why I'll never buy another Audi

My car was due for its first service, so I phoned my local Audi garage (they call themselves a 'service centre'). £350 they quoted, brazen as anything.

I asked my friendly local mechanic for an alternative quote. "£85," he said, "and we'll use genuine Audi parts."

I thought I'd better check my leasing arrangement, only to find it invalidates the warranty if I don't use Audi themselves to do the work.

So I took the car in yesterday. They phoned me halfway through the morning to say it needed a few extra bits and pieces done. I confirmed that would be OK. Then they asked if I wanted the brakes serviced at the same time. For an extra one-hundred-and-something pounds, plus parts.

What, isn't it all done as part of the overall service?

Apparently not.

And it wasn't suggested at the time I booked the main service, even though they knew it would be necessary?

Oh no.

So now I'm more than £500 worse off, and feeling very grumpy.

You might be wondering what this experience has to do with this blog. Well, my experience of Audi customer care is a pretty Bad Ad for them.

P.S. And here's the first reason.

COMPETITION!

I was researching today's post when I discovered another blog about Bad Ads.

"Whaaaat!" I hear you cry.

Why yes. And it's a whole lot better than mine is. Longer. Funnier. With more comments. AND with the opportunity to submit ads and vote.

It's even won prizes!!!

Why not get yourself a cuppa, click the link above and have a read? (Warning, do allow plenty of time for this, you'll be sorry to miss any.)

Then come back here for an alternative view. More female, succinct and upbeat. Maybe.

*Note to self: Have a good rant in future. It obviously works.

Words that should be used more often (part 6)

"Doink"

As used in the Ikea mattress-testing ad.

Watch it at Visit for Info.

Twist in the tale

Woman comes home from work. Sees man running romantic candle-lit* bubble bath. Assumes it's for her.

Sigh, how sweet.

Changes into her dressing gown. Returns to bathroom. Man is in bath himself.

Sigh, how typical.

*TV ad for Glade flameless candles

That Nick Parks is a genius!

Leonard Cheshire Disability have used his claymation characters in their campaign to change attitudes to disability and remove the barriers faced by disabled people across the UK.

Change the way YOU see disability. Watch the ads. Please.

A family affair

I like the script in the new Digestives TV ad, where the wheat son is talking to his wheat parents. Wheat Dad says: "I'm all ears" at the beginning. Wheat Mum says "You'll have a field day" at the end.

Last time I had lunch with my parents, my mum served up a lemon meringue pie with a surprise layer of mango in it. I renamed it lemon merango pie and laughed 'til I cried!

We love puns in my family (although some people can't digest them).

Imagination

I saw a TV ad tonight for Président Emmental cheese, where a young girl looks inside the fridge and sees the cheese-maker in his cellar, choosing only the most select pieces for sale. She looks again, and sees a normal wedge of cheese in its wrapping on the shelf.

Fantastic, I thought. It's like the magical world of Narnia that we all hope is really beyond the back of the wardrobe. Or the everlasting question of whether the light stays on when the fridge door is closed. Or the idea that there are real little people inside our television sets and radios...

Hardly cheesy at all.

Yet another Loose Women sponsor

Regular readers will know that I occasionally treat myself to watching this girly chat show as I eat my lunch.

I've written before about Café Switch coffee and Brantano shoes who used to sponsor the programme. Now the show is topped and tailed by Maltesers.

I think the actress in these ads is brilliant!

But I'm slightly worried that the sponsorship won't help the brand...it obviously hasn't worked for the brands that preceded it, or they would still be the sponsors.

Fame...Remember My Name!

I guess that's what the HSA are trying to do with their annoying talking sleeve puppet. Hey, Just Say.

I liked it better when they used acronyms instead.

Note to all businesses: Give yourself a proper name, not meaningless initials, then you won't experience this problem.

Ads I wish I'd written (part 5)

Warning: this ad may offend!

A classic from the archives (part 2)

Mr Shifter, by PG TIps.

Words that should be used more often (parts 4 and 5)

"Cock-a-hoop"

I heard this excellent expression today in the same radio ad as the word "quandary".

"Fantastic!" I thought, "Two great words for the price of one!"

I eagerly waited to find out what brand the ad was promoting. It might have been something to do with cars (I think boots and bonnets may have been mentioned). But it never became clear.

What a waste of good wordage.

:-(

Ah, nostalgia!

The new Mini Clubman ad has jumped on the retro bandwagon with its Etch-a-Sketch drawing...so good it's impossible to be real.

Words that should be used more often (part 3)

"Wibble."

Not because it's been used in an ad, but because I saw it recently on one of my Internet forums (fora) and it made me laugh. And we could all do with more laughter in our lives.

Why I'll never buy another Audi

I was really excited when my brand new Audi A3 was delivered almost two years ago.

The first sign that things were a bit awry was when delivery man said to me: "Ooh, the kerb's a bit high, you'll have to be careful when you park here in case you damage the alloy wheels."

"Hmm", I thought, "Bet he'd never say that to a male driver. He obviously thinks a woman should not be allowed to drive an Audi. He doesn't know I was the proud owner of an adorable little MGF convertible before I had to get a 'sensible' car. Or how many years of safe parking I've managed to achieve, without any damage to my alloys, thank you very much. I'm clearly dealing with a man with intelligence lower than pond-life. Must remember to only use simple words when talking to him."

Moments later, I was sitting in the driver's seat, pushing all the buttons and fiddling with all the knobs, as he sat in the passenger seat, explaining to me where everything was and how everything worked. (Including the totally unnecessary pop-up cup-holder in the dashboard. As if I'd ever let anybody take a drink into my new car!).

I flipped down the sun visor on the driver's side, and expressed surprise that it had a mirror (with a dinky light that came on when you slid open the cover). Why would there need to be a mirror on the driver's side?

"Oh yes," he said, "It's a continental car so they put mirrors on both sun visors to suit left and right hand drive."

"Hmm," I thought. "They manage to switch everything around for left and right hand drive but they can't afford two different types of sun visor? I don't think so."

He went on: "Oh, but you can't use it to put on your make-up at 70 miles per hour in the fast lane!"

He wasn't joking.

I wasn't wearing any make-up. Why in the world would he think that I might ever look in the mirror when I was driving? Idiot.

Things got worse.

He was showing me the spare wheel and tools in the boot when he said: "Oh, but you won't need to know about those will you, because you'll just call out the AA or RAC."

He meant it. Poor, ignorant sod.

I spluttered: "I do know how to change a tyre, you know!"

Trying to redeem himself, he responded: "Ah, perhaps a smaller woman might need help to change a tyre!!!"

By this point, I wanted him to lie down in the road so I could test my forward and reverse gears over him.

It took all the joy out of the delivery of my new car. If he'd been the salesman, I never would have bought it. How dare he be so insulting to someone that had just spent so many thousands of pounds?

It's two years on. But whenever anyone asks how I like my A3, I still tell them about this appalling customer service experience.

Pah.

P.S. A copy of this post is going to the big boss at Audi.

Word of Mouth on Wheels

1
Word of mouth is famously the best kind of advertising there is.

2
Cab drivers are notoriously chatty.

1+2=5
Cab drivers are now chatting to their captive passengers about holidays and other treats they've enjoyed, courtesy of canny advertisers.

See here, if you want a cabby to do your selling for you.

P.S. I chat to a lot of people too, so if anyone wants to give me a free Caribbean holiday to talk about, then please contact me at jackie@comms-plus.co.uk!

Bad news travels faster than good

I was looking for the price of local storage, so I did a Google search.

I found the website for a leading UK brand, but it showed no prices or phone numbers so I reluctantly gave all my contact details for them to call me back with a quote.

I also found the website of an independent company which contained all their prices, a handy guide to estimating the size of storage required, and their phone number. I spoke to a friendly chap who answered all my questions and was a pleasure to talk to.

When a bloke from the big business eventually contacted me, he quoted almost twice as much as the independent price, the conversation was aggressively salesy, and they've bombarded me with follow-up calls and mailings ever since.

After this experience, I would never choose or recommend the Storage Company named after a colour that rhymes with Mellow. Gotta admit, I have no idea how they ever got so...Big.

Colour coordination

I'm intrigued to know why Orange chose to use rainbows in their 'Good Things Should Never End' ad.

As anyone who's been to Brighton recently will know, the homosexual community use rainbow stripes for their flag. Like the word 'gay', this now creates a whole load of new mental associations.

I'm not sure if that was the effect that Orange was hoping for.

P.S. The website is great though!

Builder's Bum

In the new Nimble ad, the builder's trousers keep falling down (snigger, snigger).

How things have changed since Nimble's iconic hot air balloon ad (voted one of viewers' greatest 100 ads in a Channel 4 poll). All together now: "She Flies Like a Bird in the Skyyyyy..."

Wonder if the new ad will last as long in the memory? For some reason, methinks not. It's just not kitsch enough.

Pathetically grateful

That's how I feel when anybody comments on my blog! So here, at blog number 100, is an appeal for more contributions.

If my thoughts on ads have prompted any response in you – positive, negative or indifferent – then please click on 'Comments' below the relevant post(s)*, and add your remarks.

It's easy, and you can be anonymous if you like. Youu probably won't need them, but just in case you do, here are full instructions.

I can't wait to hear from you. Your comments could make my new year a whole lot happier!

* Unless you write in Spanish and are trying to sell T-shirts. Yes, it has happened. I have no idea why.

The real test of great advertising ...

... is whether it prompts me to go out and buy something.

Despite the industry's best efforts so far this season, I have yet to see an ad that has encouraged me to hit the January sales.

I like owning new things. And I do love a bargain. But shopping in sale-time?

I hate it!

Quit It (one from the archives)

It's the time of year when lots of people are trying to give up smoking*, as evidenced by the number of ads for nicotine patches et al.

It reminds me of one of the most famous cigarette ads of all time: "You're never alone with a Strand" – an ad so unsuccessful that the brand was taken off the shelves soon afterwards. It featured a smoker on his own on a dark street, but people assumed Strand cigarettes made you lonely so were put off buying them.

With the UK smoking ban forcing smokers outdoors, perhaps it's becoming true for all brands!



* Good luck to you all. Filthy, nasty habit that it is...

Words that should be used more often (part 2)

"Niffs"

Usually preceded by the word 'Nasty', as in the TV ad for Oust.

"Facebook me"

That's what I heard a young person say to another young person at a New Year's Eve party I attended. In the 'old days' they would have said; "phone me" or "give me a call" or even "send me a text."

Social networking seems to be a whole new communication channel spreading by word of mouth (or word of pixel, I suppose). And it's not just associated with young people. You can 'Facebook me' too if you like.