Three thoughts on lasers

1. It was 1979. I was studying periodical journalism at the London College of Fashion in Oxford Street (now part of the University of the Arts), and there was much excitement each year at the switching on of the Christmas lights. This year was the first time lasers were to be used. I had previously been overawed by the twinkling of gold and silver Santas, of brightly coloured baubles, of sparkling stars, reindeers and presents. I was distinctly underwhelmed to see straight red lines whizzing down the road, not knowing the miracle was that the light didn't splay out as usual.

2. I played Quasar recently. Shooting my dancing friends with those straight red laser lines was sooooo much fun!

3. My dentist said he'd never use whitening gel on his own teeth, and that his optician wore glasses rather than risk laser treatment on his own eyes.

So why am I telling you this?

A prospective client rang me. He manages to attract enquiries via his website, but doesn't manage to convert them into paying customers. My colleague rang him back. The telephonist didn't know where he was, didn't know when he'd be back and couldn't take a message.

The moral of the story: You will never make all of the people like what you do, all of the time. But when you do manage to attract attention through successful marketing, make sure you have all the pieces and people in place to deal with the response.

Suckered by an advert

I like to think I'm not taken in by ad-speak, although of course I am, just like everyone else.

When I applied to Watford College* to do their Advertising Copywriting course years ago, I had to write about the last product I'd bought as the result of an ad. 'Oh no,' I claimed, 'Not me, I don't get influenced by advertising!'

But today, I bought a product, just because I'd seen it on TV. You've probably seen the ad, the one with the female security guard distracted by a luxury ice-cream stuffed with lumps of milk and white chocolate?

That Magnum Temptation cost me £1.80. £1.80! And I don't even like chocolate ice-cream! (Chocolate in anything other than its original form is an aberration.)

I won't be doing that again.

* I was accepted even though they thought I might be too diffident (moi?). I took a periodical journalism course instead.

Grumpy old woman

Maybe I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, but I am in the mood for a bit of a rant.

I have lived at the same address for over nine years. For over nine years I have been receiving 'junk' mail from Boots addressed to the previous resident. For over nine years I have been deleting the address and marking the envelope 'Return to Sender / Please take this name off your mailing list / Goneaway 2001'.

Another one arrived recently.

Argh!

Dear Boots, PLEASE tell me what I have to do to stop these mailings!

P.S. I'm also annoyed that new CDs are wrapped so tightly in cellophane (or whatever type of plastic it is) that you can't get them out without using a knife/scissors, cutting your fingers and scratching the CD case. Grrr.

* Goes to lie down, put on some calming music and eat chocolate

Passing the 'so what' test

I saw an ad for DFS in a magazine in the hairdressers. Which magazine, you ask? It may have been Tatler. It may have been Hello! Sorry, I can't remember.

Either way, it passed the 'so what test', which impressed me so much I wrote it down for this blog.

Most business-owners should know by now about writing benefits not features in their marketing. You do that by asking and answering 'so what?' at the end of every sentence. The DFS sofa ad does this overtly and admirably:

It's called Fabienne
(or just Fab for short)

It's designed for comfort
(and good-looking too)

It's made with 100% real leather all over, no imitation anywhere
(and take your pick from over 50 colours at no extra cost)

It's exclusive to DFS
(so you won't find it anywhere else)

Plus, to make it even easier on the pocket you can choose 4 years free credit
(with no payments for the first year)

And to top it all, it's now half price
(saving you a whopping £803)

It also passes the 'we we' test. That is, the number of times the word 'you' is used more often than 'we', 'I' or 'us'.

Does your advertising copy pass both tests too?

Not impressed

I've just received a letter from a well-known High Street store, telling me they will close my storecard because I haven't used it for a while. In order to keep the card active, I must go in and buy something before 13 July.

Cheeky monkeys!

Has it not occurred to them that the reason I haven't bought anything lately is because they aren't currently selling anything I want to buy?

I accept that closing inactive accounts may help reduce fraud, but wish they'd offered an alternative way to keep the account open. Phone this number, for example. I still wouldn't like it, but if I had the chance to talk to them, I might feel more kindly towards them and go into their shop after all.

Grr.

A world apart

Must admit I'm biased (I have an OU degree), but I do rather like this ad with its inspiring images of a blue whale, giant corpuscles, jet engine etc.

The OU is where I learned how to measure the distance to the moon using a broom handle, a disk and some Bluetak. To look at a holly leaf and know if it had a holly leaf miner within (and what had happened to it). I even learned about quarks, strangeness and charm.

User-generated content

Movie night in with ..
Watch the ad...

T-Mobile is the latest company to get its customers to make their own ads. I love this one! It reminds me of the old joke about the balloon boy getting told off when he took a pin into his inflatable school: "You've let the school down, you've let your parents down but most of all, you've let yourself down!"

Door-to-door salespeople - yuk!

In principle, I don't like to buy anything spontaneously, just because someone selling something has knocked on my door at a time when I'm in.

I prefer to know what I want, then shop around to find the best supplier, then buy it in my own time.

I don't buy tea-towels on my doorstep. I don't buy fish. I don't even give to charities other than the ones I already support.

A couple of weeks ago, a double-glazing salesman knocked on the door. Unusually, I did actually want a quote to repair some double-glazing. OK, I said, I will let your chap come round and quote. We agreed a time of 4.30 pm that afternoon. The guy didn't turn up.

Two weeks later, the double-glazed porch door fell off its hinges.

Coincidence?

I wonder.

I can tell you that the double-glazer who fixes the door will be any firm but the one who didn't turn up when they said they would.