In the interests of research

I've spotted a new ad on my TV.

A queue of people line up along a line. The VO says 'Form a line for Formoline. Formoline.co.uk.'

OK, so the most wanted response is to visit the website. But there's no clue in the ad about what you'll find when you get there. So that you don't have to do it, I have visited the website for you.

It's about weight loss.

There you are, you don't have to waste electrons now!

Don't say I never give you anything.

Commercial-free?

Magners have 'bought all the ads' on Virgin Radio today, to make it a 'commercial-free' bank holiday.

Commercial-free, apart from the regular announcements that Magners have sponsored the whole day.

It's what I call 21st century advertising...soft sell...added value...generating goodwill...

It's hardly commercial-free, but good luck to them.

Voice of an angel

Charlotte Church sings "I want it all" on TV and radio ads for Virgin holidays.

It plays to her strengths (she's not known for her self-restraint). Taps into the zeitgeist. And the girl sure can sing! Now that's what I call a great celebrity endorsement.

What can we learn from The Apprentice?

This week, the contestants were challenged to come up with a brand identity for a new range of antibiotic tissues, and make a 30-second TV ad and poster.

Team 1 designed a subtle green box with hearts on it, named "I love my tissues" ('love' was a heart shape), and made an arty ad about 'building relationships' that starred Sian Lloyd and some cute school-kids.

They lost because:
- they picked an unrealistic brand name
- their pack design wouldn't stand out on the shop shelf
- there was no pack shot in the ad
- they didn't mention the main USP (antibacterial)
- their choice of celebrity made no sense (Sian is known as a weather-girl, and for being the ex of politician Lembit Opek who's engaged to marry a Cheeky Girl) and most of her scenes were cut

Anyway, who has a relationship with their tissues? (Don't answer that!)

I meet designers like those all the time. Designers who are keener to have something pretty to put in their portfolio, or to win awards, rather than something that does the job it's intended to do. Form over function.

Team 2 came up with a great name 'Atishu', that works at many levels. Their box was a hideous orange. And their ad was corny but hard-hitting, with two mentions of the USP and two close-up pack shots. Function over form.

So what would I have done differently?

First, I would have gone to the supermarket and analysed existing tissue box designs. Then I would have studied the antibacterial products, to see what techniques they use to communicate their message e.g medical symbols, cartoon bacteria. I would have combined the standard elements from both for my new brand idea.

If I'd thought of the Team 2 name, I'd have written a slogan to match e.g. 'Can I have Atishu?' or 'Atishu? Bless you!' Or maybe I'd call the tissues 'Anti-B' and promote them with 'Ant & Bee' characters from the children's books. In the pitch presentation, I might even suggest stretching the brand to include 'Ask Anti-B' with Kind Dog (or was it Friendly Dog?) as an agony aunt, answering questions about hygiene and health!

Next, I'd write a storyboard for the ad, knowing the maximum number of words that can fit per second, and that with film you can have pictures without words but not words without pictures. I'd consider a range of situations where tissues are used – perhaps blotting lipstick, mopping tears at a weepy film, fluttering from a lady's handbag and being caught and returned to her by a romantic hero (as handkerchiefs used to be), beside the bed (!), wiping a snotty kid's nose. And if I wanted a celebrity endorsement, I'd write the script to suit them (if it was a comedian, I'd probably pay them to write their own lines).

Finally, I'd play 'devil's advocate', by getting the team to think of all the possible criticisms of the solution, and then fix them.

That's a process that makes sense to me. But then, it seems common sense is not very common for the Apprentice candidates!

I have a theory about hyphens.

Two words get used separately for a while. Then they are combined with a hyphen. Finally, they merge into one, new word.

There is no worldwide consensus about the day when A changes to B and B changes to C. It happens gradually. That's the beauty of an evolving language.

But it does annoy me when people get the 'hyphen' in the wrong place. For example, when the ads talk about 'laser-vision correction'. Not 'laser vision-correction' as it should be.

I don't know anyone with laser-vision that needs it corrected. I do know people who would like vision-correction, with lasers.

I'm not suggesting that those particular words are, or ever will be, hyphenated. But I do wish voiceover artists would read scripts with meaning in mind.

Rhythm is a dancer

Yay, another fab ad has hit our screens!

Brains, the puppet from Thunderbirds, dances a la Michael Jackson, to prove that 'brains perform best when they're hydrated'. I'd never heard of Drench water before. Now, I'll never forget it.

Admire its brilliance on You Tube.

Tone of voice

I rather like the new TV ads for Loyd Grossman sauces, where various characters mimic his accent and time runs out for him to speak himself. The slogan is 'Sauces with a distinctive voice'. It fits.

So why do I like it so much? Well, in NLP terms (that's Neuro Linguistic Programming), everyone has a preferred sense – either visual, auditory or kinaesthetic (feeling). I'm a word person, so it won't surprise you to discover that I'm mainly auditory. So a slogan that talks about 'voice' is talking directly to me. (Note how I write 'talks about' where someone else might write 'reads' or 'includes').

And I like the fact that they have combined the sense of taste (a sauce) with the sense of hearing (voice). The ad won't appeal so much to the visuals or kinaesthetics among us but hey, you can't have everything...

"Don't stop me now"

As a fan of chocolate and chocolate advertising, this follow-up to the wonderful drumming gorilla doesn't work for me. On any level.

Don't Stop Me Now

I repeatedly watched the first one with enjoyment (surely that's the feeling Cadbury's want their product to inspire). I watched the second with confusion and disappointment.

At a time when Heathrow's T5 is in the news for all the wrong reasons, we see airport trucks having a race and baggage being dumped all over the runway. Not sure if they are real trucks or toy ones, being driven by humans or by themselves. Compared with the first ad, it's complicated and unsatisfactory.

Part of the magic of the original was the anticipation of the Phil Collins' drumbeats. If Cadbury wanted to use a Queen track, then why not Bohemian Rhapsody, as it builds up to the head-banging sequence?

With meerkats!

Now that I'd like to see.