Imagine the scene...

Five men in grey suits sitting around the boardroom table...

Man 1: "We have to think of a new name for the comedy channel."
Man 2: "How about 'The Comedy Channel?'"
Man 3: "No, that's much too obvious...It should be something funny."
Dave: "What's the funniest name you can think of?"
Man 5: "Dave."
They all fall about laughing.
Dave: "What's so funny about that?"
They all fall about laughing some more.

OK, so maybe that's not how it happened. But then again, maybe it is.

Perfect timing

What's today? Boxing Day.

So what does clever Kit-Kat do?

An animated TV ad with Father Christmas putting his feet up to match their slogan: 'Have a break, have a Kit-Kat.'

Yum, yum. Time for some chocolate...

We Will Rock You

Britney (before she went off the rails), Beyoncé and Pink advertise Pepsi in the Colosseum.

Bursting with fizz and anachronisms!

Can anyone explain this to me?

The new Lurpak poster has the headline 'Leftovers' in the centre, with the sub-heading 'We call them ingredients', and pictures of Christmas food around the edges, including a half-used pack of butter.

I'm an intelligent woman, but I just don't get it.

'Goldenballs' in his pants

Nice tackle? No comment.

Real or not real

The Garnier Nutrisse TV ads feature Davina McCall talking to her mum.

According to the gossip mags, it's not directed at her biological mum (they don't talk any more), but at the 'mum' who raised her.

What's more, the caption shows that 'Davina is styled with some natural hair extensions'.

Just goes to show, you can't believe everything you see!

The same goes for coloured hair (like mine).

Normal service has been resumed

Regular readers will have noticed it's been a bit quiet here for the last few days. That's because I've been away scuba diving in Sharm El-Sheikh.

I had a great time (thanks for asking), and couldn't help noticing the surprising number of inflatable Santas, decorated Christmas trees and flashing 'happy new year' signs all over the place.

Fancy a Muslim country changing the appearance of its tourist towns to celebrate a Christian festival!

What a great advert for their visitors.

An accident waiting to happen

For years there's been a massive poster at the Purley Way traffic lights with a cartoon of a crashed car, advertising a local repair service in case of a prang.

('Prang' – now there's a word that's not used very often!)

Some psychologists believe that thoughts are things, so I've always considered it a worryingly dangerous ad.

It's just been replaced by something completely different.

I wonder if the accident rate at that junction will change?

While on the subject of chocolate

Did you see this Galaxy spoof of The Devil Wears Prada?

If music be the food of love

Sorry, but Shakespeare was wrong. As everyone knows, chocolate is the food of love. But it can be matched with music.

For instance, last night's Co-op ad featured Belgian chocolate with the guitar music played by Johnny Depp in the film Chocolat. Subtle!

P.S. Watch the Cadbury's gorilla ad spoof.

When I first heard about Saturday Night Takeaway*

I thought: "Wow, what an excellent idea! Grouping the ads into clusters, in the same way that viewers watch them! Linking the ads to particular TV shows as cross-promotion! Brilliant! Only commercial television could do it!"

Then I realised the brands aren't mentioned. And it makes no difference whether the contestant has seen the programme containing that particular ad break or not. And And And.

I understand the reasons, but I still think it's a missed opportunity.

* It's the Ant and Dec (or is it Dec and Ant) game show where contestants can 'win the ads'.

"Here come the girls"

I'm loving the Boots ad where the office girls glam up ready for the Christmas party.



I Googled it for more info, and found plenty of people wanting to buy the music or the gold dress at 45 seconds.

I bet there will be plenty of people wanted to get gorgeous at Boots too.

Hoorah for equality!

Men are now depicted either as sex objects or as lazy idiots.

To top it all, Twinings have also stirred up the racist debate with their Tyrone's been fillng us in 'Lady Grey' TV ads.

Despite a few complaints to the ASA, it seems to be working as an ad – at least according to Brand Republic.

What did Trinny and Susannah do last night?

...when they wanted to communicate their Dress Code for Men in a clear and simple way?

They went to an ad agency, that's what.

Watch them 'spelling it out' for the poor boys.

Download the PDF.

Love it or hate it? (Part 2)

Famous for eating marmalade sandwiches, Paddington Bear is now eating marmite sandwiches instead.

Nooooo!

It's so wrong it's (almost) right.

What the Doctor Smokes

There's a new book by Kate Parker and the Advertising Archives, published by New Holland @ £8.99.

It's certainly going on my Christmas list!

And how did I find out about it? It was featured in a Daily Mail editorial (second best kind of advertising in the world).

Buy it from Amazon.

Don't mess with my memories!

Some advertisers try to hook the adults with a nostalgic advert while hooking the kids with something new.

The Milky Bar Kid has been resurrected to ride through the forest while animal noises sound out the old tune.

Here's the new ad.

And here's an old one.

Note they've lost the iconic slogan "The Milky Bars are on me!" But they've added "All Natural Ingredients".

Sign of the times. There are now restrictions on advertising sweet and fatty things to children.

"I don't believe it!"

So Nicole Kidman curls up on the sofa and plays Nintendo brain games?

I hardly think so.

I believe her beautiful Chanel ad, but not this. Sorry.

P.S. Watch the Steve Davis snooker parody

Unreality TV

Do you know any women who sit around discussing their slow digestive transits?

No. Me neither.

In fact, the very thought of it gives me that bloated feeling.

If you were selling broadband for laptops...

...what big idea would you use for your ad campaign?

Vodafone posters have a Work Naked headline and backview cartoon of a lardy naked body sitting on an office chair.

Good point, well made. But not a pretty sight!

Only in Oz

I keep seeing the Australia "So where the bloody hell are you?" TV ads.

It seems there have been lots of complaints from we whingeing poms about the bad language – Wikipedia has a fascinating discussion on the subject.

But remember this is from the country which got away with a famous poster campaign: "Buy more beef, you bastards".

Brave, bold and brash – just like their brand identity.

I've visited down under twice before. Loved it. And I do so fancy another trip...

Ads I wish I'd written (part 4)

30 years old but, with petrol prices rising again, it's as relevant today as it was then.

Please wipe your feet

Have you seen this ad about your carbon footprint?

Very disturbing.

Why oh why oh why

... do most mobile phone ads seem aimed at aliens or teenagers?

I use a mobile phone too, and I probably have more disposable income than they do!

I just don't get it.

Just two examples, one recent, one older:

Phones 4 U 'Ted the Squid' ad. Strange colour, strange storyline, strange acting.

3 'singing cherry' ad. Weird and creepy.

Perhaps the oddest thing is that I think I should be the target market, when it seems quite obvious that I'm not.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

I saw the new Aero Bubble ad last night, featuring three of my favourite things:

1. A muscled hunk (much better than the Diet Coke bloke I wrote about before, at least this one is a grown-up and he has a cute smile)

2. Chocalocahoc (mmm)

3. Humour (the conversational female voiceover ends: "Has he been talking?")

It's designed to appeal to every woman, not just to me. What's more, I might even go out and buy some (and I bet everywoman does too) ...

Words that should be used more often (part 1)

"Hoik"

Great script, great OTT acting, but such a shame that the lovely Nationwide will always be linked with that nasty bank manager (as I mentioned here.)

Watch and enjoy the ad in full, on YouTube.

Only for amateurs

The current ads for TRESemme hair products claim to be 'only for professionals', and feature Ricardo from The Salon bursting onto a film set and wrestling the bottle from Georgia Goodall, beauty editor of Reveal.

Watch it here.

Trouble is, it's badly written, poorly acted and quite obviously a set up. I also hate it when ads are so up their own arses that they attempt to involve the audience in the advertising process. It's meta-filming. The camera pulls back from the shot to see the sound engineer and director as well as the 'actors'.

In a previous ad, Ricardo wrestled the product from a woman in a supermarket. I still didn't like it, but it made more sense to me. Mind you, I'm sticking to Pantene as my 'salon quality' hair product of choice.

P.S. As far as I know, TRESemme has never been seen in a salon and is only sold to the general public.

P.P.S. I'm guessing the name is based on Tres Aimée, French for Much loved. Pah!

P.P.P.S. Read what ad industry professional, Gerry Farrell, has to say about it.

Irish headline of the year competition

I was in Donegal for a wedding last weekend, where I was thrilled to discover this prize-winning headline in the national newspaper:

DUBLIN WOMAN MURDERS CUP OF TEA

Like all great headlines, you can guess how the rest of the story went.

Repetition, repetition, repetition

It's a good trick in headline writing. Especially when you use a word 3 times. I was reminded of this when I saw an old deep pan pizza slogan:

Real Deep. Real Good. Real Thing.

And then again when I remembered the old Martini slogan:

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere

(I used to have a belt with that written on – it was yellow plastic with red and blue writing. Mmm, nice!)

Perhaps this could be called the rule of 3 + 1. Repeat something 3 times, and add a touch of innuendo.

It sticks in the memory.

The Diet Coke Bloke

I did love those '90s ads where the office girls take a break from their work to drink a Diet Coke and admire the finely honed six-pack of a hunky workman nearby...

But the new version leaves me cold.

The camera pans up the lift engineer's lovely torso, but what a disappointment when it gets to his face!

He's just too young and skinny looking.

Oh dear, I must be getting old.

"You've been Tango-ed!"

Do you remember those ads with the orange man who used to run up and slap people in the face when they sipped their Tango? It was changed to a kiss when kids started to copy him.

Oh, the power of advertising!

It was hardly subtle. But then again...

In my corporate life I had to design some cheques to include all sorts of security features. One feature is called 'copysafe', which means a design is printed in two inks. The human eye can't easily see the difference, but if the cheque is photocopied, one ink spells out the word 'VOID' and renders the fake unusable.

Britvic took this idea, went one step further and advertised to the fraudsters.

If a crook photocopied one of their cheques, the copy read: 'Sorry, you've been Tango-ed!'

Brilliant.

Arty Farty

I got a postcard through the door the other day, with a colour image on the front, and an invitation to an 'art open evening' on the back.

It breaks some of the cardinal rules of advertising.

Rule 1. Decide on the objective of your communication. Is it to get people to visit the exhibition / buy a painting / go to the website / remember your name / contact you to make an appointment /something else.

Rule 2. Remember who your audience is. Think about what they know already. Don't assume anything. Tell them what they need to know to achieve your objective.

Headline: 'XYZ Open Studios'.

Desired reaction: "Wow, must book that in the diary, and remember to take my cheque book!"

Actual reaction: "So what?"

The headline should be something where the answer can be "Yes!" e.g. 'Do you like art? Believe in supporting local artists? Fancy visiting a FREE open exhibition of contemporary works?'

Image: dark green landscape

Desired reaction; "Mmm, that's nice, I'd like that hanging on my wall, how big is it, wonder how much it costs, please can I see more paintings like that."

Actual reaction: "That green's a bit dark."

The front image needs to be absolutely stunning (while being typical of the artist's work) OR include more than 1 image (e.g. as a main shot + insets), to illustrate (geddit) the artist's range and appeal to the maximum number of potential buyers.

The front could also include the title of the painting (to give it more meaning), and/or some key words to give an idea of the artist's main themes. Gushy, arty words such as:

Light...Colour...Texture...Snapshots of a moment in time

The back of the postcard could include more images (impactful in black-and-white) as well as the date, venue, time and contact details.

A testimonial would be good too. Viewing the artist's website I find he's had good media reviews, won awards and been commissioned by some high level clients – but the postcard doesn't mention any of this. It could be from a student with no experience at all.

Poor artist. He might be good at painting, but he's not so good at selling himself.

I do hope it results in some business for him. Especially after he's tramped the streets delivering all those postcards.

Very punny

I love those signs you sometimes see outside churches, trying to encourage people to come in.

One of my favourites:

Prevent truth decay, brush up on your bible.

Who said God doesn't have a sense of humour?

Too much choice?

There just one supermarket on La Isla Bonita (Ambergris Caye, Belize).

It's called 'Island Supermaket' and it's pink (although that's not relevant to this story). It stocks just about everything you need, but of course all stock has to be imported from the mainland.

If you are looking for shampoo, you'll find shampoo. There will probably only be one brand of shampoo, for one type of hair, but it will be there and you can wash your hair with it.

And if you are looking for cheese, you'll find cheese. There might be only one type of cheese, and it could be a bit sweaty and past its 'use by' date, but it will be there and you can eat it.

Back in the UK, the choice can be quite overwhelming. You can spend minutes, hours, perhaps days, looking at all the different shampoos and cheeses on the supermarket shelves, before deciding which one is right for you.

We're living in a lucky, rich, country and they're on a lovely, Caribbean island.

Yesterday, I heard an ad on the radio for Holiday Inn, saying that now they offer a 'pillow menu' – your choice of six pillows for a good night's sleep.

Very nice, I'm sure. But is it really necessary?

Celebrity endorsements (a.k.a. name dropping)

Less than 4 hours after my last blog post, I was amazed to receive an email purportedly from Richard E. Grant.

Wow! Is it possible that a little-known copywriter could inspire a response from a world-famous actor?

Soon afterwards, I happened to meet Jenny Agutter at a charity function, so I asked her if it was likely to be from the man himself.

"He's utterly charming," she told me. "Was the reply intelligent?"

I confirmed that it was.

"And was it funny?"

I agreed.

She said: "Actors do sometimes feel like replying to people who criticise them, so maybe it was. Why don't you reply and arrange to meet him?"

Thinks: Hmm, perhaps I should start writing about Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise...

Naturally I can't publish the content of Richard E. Grant's private message, but he did say that next time I produce a creative masterpiece, he looks forward to blogging it!

Well, Richard E., you might not have too long to wait as my new book is well underway and will be out soon*. I'll let you know when it's ready to review...

*Regular readers will know I've said that before, but I really do mean it this time!

Possibly the worst movie ever made!!!

(Read this bit in a deep, growly voice.)

Tonight. On Film 4. At 11.05pm.

Richard E Grant ... IS ... Denis the stressed-out advertising executive ... who develops a boil on his neck ... which grows into a second head ... and ... starts talking to him.

(Read this bit in a chirpy voice.)

Industry satire? Cult comedy? Or just a pile of poo?

(Read this bit in a sardonic voice.)

I know what I think.

World's greatest ad?

That's what some people are saying about this ad.

Entertaining yes.

I am obsessed with chocolate.

And I always drum my fingers on the steering wheel when I hear that track on the radio while I'm driving.

But effective? I'm not so sure.

I think this ad promotes the brand much better.

All together now, aah!

Watch the Andrex Puppy outtakes on YouTube here.

Every sheet of toilet paper is recognisable now they emboss the puppies on the roll.

And people don't even call those puppies 'labradors' any more!

Now that's what I call a successful brand.

Not so much bad, as boring :-(

In one ad break during The Princess Bride last night, I watched 12 ads (plus two by the film sponsor), and can hardly find anything interesting to say about any of them.

1. Dior Midnight Poison: Ah, the cryptic drama of perfume advertising. Perhaps inspired by the Baz Luhrmann and Nicole Kidman Chanel ad that's more like a (Moulin Rouge-style) film?

2. Andrex: that famous puppy trailing miles of toilet paper behind a car. Would it really flow like that around the mountain roads? Or would it litter the lay-bys and tangle in the trees?

3. CocoPops Creations: With an 'if you can't say it, sing it' jingle.

4. Recycle: With the delightful Eddie Izzard doing the voiceover.

5. Trailer for the film Superbad. Nope, doesn't look like my sort of movie.

6. Brittania 'Fair Play': another take on the building society versus bank debate.

7. Challenge Churchill

8. Hotels.com

Y-a-w-n

9. Love Calculator: what???

10. Pot Noodle

S-t-r-e-t-c-h

11. Robinsons Smooth Juice

12. Trailer for the programme The Sweetest Thing: Nope, don't fancy that.

Sigh.

A classic from the archives (part 1)

Lemon

The Volkswagen missed the boat.

The chrome strip on the glove compartment is blemished and must be replaced. Chances are you wouldn't have noticed it; Inspector Kurt Kroner did.

There are 3,389 men of our Wolfsburg factory with only one job; to inspect Volkswagens at each stage of production. (3,00 Volkswagens are produced daily; there are more inspectors than cars.)

Every shock absorber is tested (spot checking won't do), every windshield is scanned. VWs have been rejected for surface scratches barely visible to the eye.

Final inspection is really something! VW inspectors run each car off the line onto the Funktionsprüfstand (car test stand), tote up 189 check points, gun ahead to the automatic brake stand and say "no" to one VW out of fifty.

This preoccupation with detail means the VW lasts longer and requires less maintenance, by and large, than other cars. (It also means a used VW depreciates less than any other car.)

We pluck the lemons; you get the plums.

Very handy

In a recent blog post I mentioned three 'rainy' ads that all came along at once.

And before that I posted about three 'boxy' ads that ran in sequence.

Now I've seen two ads close together, that both use human hands to make objects, shapes and letters.

The first is from the Learning Skills Council: 'Our Future. It's In Our Hands.'

The second is Vaseline Intensive Rescue Lotion.

I remember reading an interview with Jennifer Connelly, who played Sarah in Jim (Muppet) Henson's Labyrinth movie with David Bowie. There is a famous scene with the 'Helping Hands'. They catch her as she falls, forming faces out of palms and fingers, and talk to her. It seems her son refused to watch the film because he hated that scene so much.

I know what he means. The effects are very clever, but also slightly creepy.

Despite that, things often come in threes (there's even a 'Rule of 3' in marketing), so I'm now waiting for another 'hands' ad. Handy Andies anyone?

Weasel Words

Have you noticed how advertisers and marketeers pay clever copywriters (like wot I am) to write words that sound good but don't mean much.

My favourite example is:

Nothing works faster than Anadin

(So take nothing. Coz it works faster.)

Your task is to listen out for such meaningless slogans, and unravel them. Don't be taken in by clever copywriting!

Hoover. Biro. Argos?

Today's topic is 'brand names that have become part of the language'.

Argos are currently using the slogan: 'Don't shop for it, Argos it.'

How much better to say: "Don't go shopping. Go Argossing!"

So when Fred (or whoever) asks Wilma (or whoever): "What are you doing today?", she can reply: "I'm going Argossing."

I dunno. Do you think it might ever happen?

Shouldn't be allowed!

I was driving along listening to the radio, when I heard a siren sounding.

I quickly looked in the rear view mirror, both wing mirrors, ahead and all around, but I couldn't see where it was coming from. No police car. No fire engine. No ambulance.

Then I realised it was a sound effect in an ad.

That can't be safe, can it?

It was lucky not to cause an accident...

Square peg, round hole?

I saw a van for a company called Circle Something, with a logo that comprised three squares. Just imagine the conversation.

Designer: Here's your new logo
Client: But my company is called Circle Whatever-it-is
Designer: Ah, but the element of surprise will make people remember it better
Client: Hmm, you're the experts I suppose...

BUT

We live in a busy world, where we are bombarded with advertising messages from all quarters. We edit out anything that is irrelevant to us. We take short-cuts to help us remember information.

So a circle-shaped logo for a company called Circle Thingy, means we'd code the information both verbally (where words are stored in the brain) and visually (where images are stored), giving us double the chance of remembering it.

Surely that's what good advertising is all about?

Isn't it annoying

"Isn't it annoying when you take your glasses and plastics out of the dishwasher and they're still wet so you have to towel them dry?"

No, Finish Extra Dry Tabs (or whatever you're called), it isn't.

There are a million-and-one things in the world that are more annoying than having to pick up a tea-towel once in a while.

And one of them is advertising that makes absurd assumptions.

P.S. Your customers are lucky to have a dishwasher at all! I don't. Pah.

If music be the food of love...

I went to see the latest Harry Potter film recently, with my 'sort of' step-daughter. As always, there were screeds of adverts before the main feature. And the film was great!

But I do miss the Pearl & Dean theme music that used to introduce the ads.

Baba baba baba baba babada, baba baba baba baba ... da!

I used to tap the tune out on my boyfriend's leg.

Ah, happy days!

P.S. Buy it at iTunes

It's not exactly an advert, but

Häagen-Dazs® load their delicious ice cream with tasty morsels like caramel, cookies and nuts, just enough so there's always at least one piece showing. It encourages you to keep eating and eating until you find the next bit.

Before you know it, you've eaten the whole pot and have to buy another one.

Now, that's what I call clever marketing.

What's that all about?

There's a kids' ad currently playing on TV for Munch Bunch yoghurt snacks. It features a character called Bones, who's red with a yellow tool belt that jiggles as he walks. Someone bumps into him and he says: "Hey, you squashed my squashum!"

Have I just got a dirty mind?

Make up your own mind

A tune that sticks in your head

There's a TV ad running at the moment showing various families BBQing in their back gardens.

An ice cream van tinkles in the background, playing 5 familiar notes. The people race to get relish to squeeze onto their burgers.

I find it amazing that the 'Bring Out The Branston' jingle has sunk so far into the nation's consciousness, even without the words.

It's confident, clever advertising.

Watch it here

You wait all this time for rain

...and then 3 'rain' ads come along at once.

I wonder if the recent floods inspired them.

First, a whole load of sycamore seeds drift down both outdoors and indoors, in the 'go green' campaign from Powergen (e-on).*

Then, clock parts rain on people stuck in various places, in Vodafone's 'we all have more time' mobile Internet ad. Watch it on YouTube.**

But I think the most successful is the Magic radio ad, with real rain and wonderful music. It creates an emotion. And that's what great advertising is all about.

* Imagine a load of mouldering greenery in your living room – yuk!
** Apparently Judy Dench earned £250,000 for her 40-second voiceover. Nice work if you can get it.

Chop chop, busy busy, work work, bang bang

That was the phrase used in a Penguin ad years ago. And it applies even more today, when life is so rushed that any time-savers are welcomed.

Laithwaites cleverly gives customers a short-cut, by marketing Papavero as their 'most popular' red wine.

Instead of standing around wondering what's best to buy, you can safely assume that if everyone else likes it, you will too.

And I do – it's my favourite.

"You'll feel right at home"

I'm loving the new MFI ads, with couples and families arguing in room sets while the camera pans back to show them in the store with a surprised shop assistant looking on.

Brilliant! A great way to show that people buy lifestyle, not product.

Mind you, I'm still not sure whether I'd want to shop there, as their reputation has not quite caught up with Ikea (in my opinion). Time to 'do a Skoda' perhaps?

118 118 118

I was walking home the other day, and saw some young children coming the other way.

The girl said to the boy: "I'm going to race you, 118", and struck a 'ready steady go' pose.

He replied: "I'll beat you, 118" and thrust his small fist in the air.

She said: "Let's go, 118" and they both started running towards me.

Whatever you may think of the 118 ads, when a slogan works its way into the language on the street, that's what I call successful advertising!

A breath of fresh air?

We're living in an age of change, riding the 'green' bandwagon, ever-conscious of environmental issues.

But some of it is a bit controversial, new and frightening.

So I was surprised that E-ON offshore wind farms shot an ad with so much wind that it blows litter up the street, skirts up girls' legs, and people into the air so they fly over fields and hang horizontally off lamposts.

And this is supposed to be a good thing?

P.S. I've just written an ad for a company supplying solar power (with all the rain we've had this summer, they need all the marketing help they can get!)

I've got a thing about car ads

(You might have noticed)

I think you can learn so much from them about what to do (and what not to do) in your own marketing.

You might also have noticed that many car ads feature someone cruising down a winding highway, with glorious views, fantastic driving conditions and no other traffic in sight.

Which reminds me of the commentator who said: "Never mind the car, I want to buy the road!"

Ads that make my other half laugh (part 1)

Let's call him Andy (because that's his name).

Andy likes to rant at the TV – he watches news, political shows, anything down and depressing, and shouts at the screen when he sees or hears something he disagrees with. Which happens a lot.

So it's quite unusual for him to burst out laughing during the ads.

It happens each time he sees the Domestos ad, with the animated germs in the toilet bowl squealing because they've just been squirted with bleach.

He loves the Barclays insurance ad, when the guy hits the indoor golf ball into the 'hole' and it rebounds to smash the boss's plasma TV. In fact, Andy loves this ad so much, he even imitates the actions every time he sees it.

And he roars with laughter when he sees the VW ad with the show-room salesman wearing a stained shirt, because customers splatter their coffee all over him whenever he tells them the (unbelievably low) price.

All these ads have something in common. A touch of surprise, of slapstick humour.

I must admit, they do nothing for me!

Just goes to show, it takes all sorts...

Feeling Tyred

I HATE the Michelin Man!

He's called Bibendum, and is made of tyres. I used to have nightmares about him when I was a kid, looming in front of me then receding into the distance.

Is it just me?

Hmm, probably.

What's in a name?

I asked for a Marathon bar at the gym last night (I know, I know, what's the point of a workout if you follow it with chocolate?!).

The girl replied: "Do you mean Snickers?"

She was right.

I knew the name had changed but forgot what it had changed to!

I believe it changed so the packaging could be used across Europe, and the original name was already in use by someone else or had another meaning.

Similarly, Jif changed to Cif because so many countries couldn't pronounce the J.

And Immac – the hair remover – changed to Veet (sounds like 'vite', the French for 'quick').

Getting the name right in your marketing is critical. I am currently very annoyed with Virgin Media, because they insist on billing my broadband to 'Jackie Brown' even though I've told them several times and via several methods of communication that my name is not Brown, it has never been Brown, and is never likely to be Brown!

What gets worse is that they've obviously sold their mailing list to MBNA, because I'm now receiving direct mail letters offering a credit card to Mrs Brown at my address.

Who do I have to sleep with for them to get my name right?

Tapping in to the zeitgeist

There's a car ad currently using the line: "When was the last time...you just went for a drive?"

A nice thought.

But I can't help wondering whether it's wise these days, to encourage unnecessary journeys.

What about the carbon footprint?

Perhaps they've missed the boat with this one.

3 things a man should never see a woman do

In my opinion, there are certain things a man should never see a woman do (in order to keep the romance alive).

1. Using the toilet.

2. Wearing pop socks.

3. Doing any kind of depilation – whether plucking, shaving, creaming or waxing.

So I'm not sure about the new Veet adverts.

We see the girl with one creamy strip on her shin (and then with two creamy 'footless socks' in the shower).

Very unattrative. But also very unrealistic.

She's clearly got no hair on her legs to start with, because we don't see the cream going grey as it melts those curly strands, or when it gets scraped off in lines with that flat plastic spoon they provide, or when her nose turns up at the smell of singeing...

We do see her bad acting as she poses on the bed, so thrilled she is with her smooth legs.

Oh how I wish it were fashionable for women to be hairy!

The greatest marketing disasters of all time

About 3 years ago, Hoover offered 2 free flights in return for spending £100 on one of their products. They had no idea how many people would take up the offer, and it ended up costing them £48m.

Read the BBC story

2 years ago, the Daily Express offered a cruise for £10. Again, it was massively oversubscribed, and many people were disappointed.

View the report on BBC's Working Lunch programme

And last year Threshers' email discount backfired on them.

I wrote about it here.

Remember, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Would you respond to this ad?

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. small wages. bitter cold. long hours of complete darkness. constant danger. safe return doubtful. honour and recognition in the event of success.”

Advert placed by Ernest Shackleton for the 1914 Antarctic Expedition

“Wanted. Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be expert riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred.”

1860 Pony Express ad in California

If you like that dancing car ad

You'll love this!

Dancing bacon

And this...

Dancing 2CV

The value of research

I knew I wanted to be a writer from about the age of 14. At that age, adults are always asking: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to be a writer," I told them.

One well-meaning neighbour challenged me: "Then why don't you enter this writing competition?"

It was about the time the French and Belgian Congo was changing to Zaire (since then it's more-or-less changed back again). And she gave me the competition entry details together with a copy of the National Geographic magazine about the area.

I read the magazine, incorporated some of the detail into my story, and won the competition. The whole experience taught me the value of research. And now, the more background information I have about a company – its products and services, clients and customers – the better writing job I can do for them.

But what has all this to do with advertising?

Well, there is a story in Alistair Crompton's book 'The Craft of Copywriting' that says the MD of Rolls Royce was presented with a headline: "The loudest noise in this car is the clock." He replied, "Hmm, must do something about that clock." But the copywriter was only able to write that line because he sat in the car, drove it around, and researched it properly.

I'd love to do such thorough research for my new travel agent client – shame he doesn't agree!

Love it or hate it? (Part 1)

Certain brands are brave enough to admit that some people don't like the product.

Such as the Marmite ad, where the boy gets the girl on the sofa, she sneaks a bite of a Marmite sandwich, and he's repelled when he tries to snog her.

It was once described in Campaign as 'penis breath'.

But I still like Marmite!

Ads I wish I'd written (part 2)

"Phwoar x Phwoar"

What a great headline!

It's for the Kia Sportage press ads. Mind you, I had to look up the brand, so it still needs more work.

Hey, no-one ever said this copywriting lark was easy!

Keeping it real

I do hope the new Sheila's Wheels ads are successful for them. To me, they come under the 'kitsch' category – so bad, they're good!

What's more, they've recently s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d that long pink car to include real women, in pink spangly dresses, singing along with that catchy song.

I approve.

I might even get a quote from them, next time I renew my car insurance...

Too good to be true?

As a Christmas gift, Threshers (the off-licence chain) emailed a 40% off voucher to a selection of their suppliers.

Seems like a good idea.

But of course the recipients forwarded the discount details to all their friends.

Threshers website crashed with all the visitors trying to access the offer (they estimate half a million vouchers were printed), and their 2,000 stores were braced for a Christmas rush.

It could have been avoided if they'd simply added the words 'limited offer' to the voucher design.

Mind you, they received lots of media coverage as a result. And there is speculation that the whole thing was a marketing ploy – even at 40% off, they were not selling at a loss.

Cheers!

Waste of money?

Car ads could be the most expensive of all to make!

Take the new Citroen ad with the cars leaping through the ocean driven by dolphins, to the tune 'Somewhere beyond the sea'.

I'm sorry, but I just don't get it.

Knit-wits

I rather like the new Shreddies ads, with the factory full of old ladies knitting each little square.

It's unique to the product, it's humorous, it sells, and it celebrates old folk.

How many other ads knit that many layers together?

GetTING the emPHASis wrong

The model in the new ad for L'Oreal hair dye starts by saying:

"In MY home, I love the light. I also love it in my hair."

She should be saying:

"In my HOME I love the light. I also love it in my hair."

Why should the writer be invited on set to brief the actors properly? Because we're worth it!

I love the Nationwide, but...

I really like the fact that the Nationwide is a building society, not a bank. I like them leading the campaign for free ATMs (in the UK and abroad). And I like their 'mutual' status.

But I don't like them taking longer to clear cheques than banks do. I don't like them sponsoring football. And I don't like their advertising – devoted to the 'nasty bank manager we are not'. Because when you see that 'nasty bank manager' you think of the Nationwide. Which is probably not the impression they were after!

Mind you, their end slogan is better now. Instead of just 'Proud to be Different' it also explains 'because we have no share-holders, only our members'. It may not be catchy but it is important. Because I bet most people don't understand the difference.

Perfect Product Placement

I've written below about Café Switch sponsoring the Loose Women lunchtime chat show. That's now changed to a shoe brand.

Inspired!

Although I hate shoes (my feet are too wide to wear most of the lovely styles on offer), I do like looking at them.

And the shoes they show are fabulous!

I bet they get loads of customers. And those customers will be envied by loads of women like me.

Ads I wish I'd written (part 1)

Here's one. Enjoy!

With thanks to fellow copywriter, Suze St Maur.

Water, water, everywhere

I can just about live with the Evian slogan 'Live Young'. Said in a French accent it almost rhymes with the brand name. And it does make some kind of sense i.e. water is good for you. And Evian is 'naive' backwards.

But I just can't stand those naked synchronised swimming babies!

OK, so they're in water to go with the product. They're young to go with the slogan. And babies are one of the few images that allegedly appeal to all (along with other 'cute' things like kittens and puppies).

But those airbrushed alien Evian babies are so creepy!

Positive thinking

A business group has taken a full-page ad on the back cover of my local glossy magazine.

Could be a good idea.

They provide office space, and the visual shows 5 images of a seed sprouting to a seedling, with the headline: 'Want room to grow? Maybe we can help.'

OK so far.

The body copy explains they are: 'the largest provider of office space in South London. No matter how big your business becomes, we will try to accommodate you.'

That's fine too (except the word 'try' – I might talk about that another time).

But they end with this big, bold, italic message before their logo and contact details: 'You shouldn't ever have to move again, that is, unless you go out of business.'

What a negative thought! Surely they should be selling the idea of business success through the convenient and affordable office space they provide, not the idea that they will kick out their tenants if/when the business fails!

Oops.

Never underestimate a chocoholic!

This Easter, Thorntons made a giant chocolate billboard in Covent Garden.

Comprising 10 chocolate bunnies, 72 chocolate eggs and 128 chocolate panels, it took three months to plan and 300 hours to be built by a team of 10 chocolatiers.

The sign was supposed to last a week, but passers-by ate it in just 3 hours.

Fortunately for Thorntons, the memory of the media impact will last much longer!

SFX sells!

Sound Effects (SFX) can be extremely powerful, especially in radio ads.

There's an ad for a mint running at the moment – it starts with the sound of a firework going off:

'Wheeeeeeeeee...'

And just when you're expecting the big BANG!, it ends with a little 'eek'.

What a great way to demonstrate that the mint has a milder taste than you'd expect.

Nice lines

Talking of car ads, I love the new Audi A5 animation, with nice piano music, nice graphics and nice colours. All in all, it's very nice. A fine example of a simple proposition, beautifully constructed.

I'd guess the car is too.

Yummy

Everyone's talking about the new Skoda Fabia ad, the one where the car is made out of cake. The soundtrack is 'My favourite things' from the Sound of Music, and the slogan is 'Full of lovely stuff'.

www.newfabia.co.uk Go to Baking Of > View the Ad

It's a great example of a USP (Unique Selling Proposition), and something we can all learn from.

Cars are full of features – wheels, chassis, engine, windscreen wipers, lights... But car ads don't try to tell us how wonderful each of these features may be. Instead, good car ads choose one benefit, and turn it into a feeling.

Skoda – I want a taste!

The sincerest form of flattery

OK, I admit it. I can't resist joining in with the Becks 'Do the Dance' ad.

It's not as easy as it looks! But at least the product, the words and the visuals are related to each other, as there are: "Only ever 4 steps."

I don't mind that it reminds me of the Guinness 'Anticipation' ad. I can still hear the music now: "Der de, d der de, d der de, d der de, ddddd der de, de der de, de der de, d." A lot of people tried that dance too!

That ad also relates to the product, because the guy dances around the giant pint while he waits for his Guinness to settle. Recently updated for Guinness Extra Cold.

And I remember the fuss about the original version when it first aired in 1995, because the agency was accused of infringing copyright. The claim failed. But, as I wrote yesterday, there are no really new ideas under the sun.

An Outbreak of Cubism

I saw a new TV ad last night, featuring a big cube draped in red satin being flown over the city.

"Ooh," I thought, "A new ad for Abbey!"

No – it was a new ad for IBM. But Abbey have been using a big red cube in their ads for ages!

And it was followed immediately by the B&Q ad. Featuring a big orange cube.

Just goes to show, there's no such thing as an original idea.

Fancy an e?

I've just been re-reading e by Matt Beaumont – 'the novel of liars, lunch and lost knickers'.

Via a series of emails, it tells the inside workings of an ad agency. As it says on the back cover, 'a tapestry of insincerity, backstabbing and bare-faced bitchiness – just everyday office politics.'

Brilliant book! Unputdownable!

It reminds me of when I was 19, and was accepted at Watford College to do a copywriting course. The letter they sent me said, 'Although you might be too diffident for the advertising industry, you clearly have talent so we are offering you a place.'

I chose to train as a journalist instead, and ended up as a marketing copywriter. Reading this book makes me glad I did!

You can get it here.

"I like pumping"

I like to watch Loose Women during my lunch break – it's sponsored by Café Switch. Trouble is, I don't know what that is! And the ad doesn't make it clear.

It features fingertips with painted nails and added hairpieces, pumping on a pair of plastic pods.

Very strange.

To me, it's important to write from the point of view of the customer. So I hate it when an ad assumes a level of knowledge which I don't have!

Unless it's a deliberate 'tease' to make me find out more...

So I Googled their website. Turns out it's a coffee drink which you make frothy by first pumping the squishy pods with your thumbs then tearing open the lid and folding the pods in half to pour the contents into a drinking vessel before adding water.

Sounds complicated?

Even more reason for the ad to be simpler.

I Love Dove

Many women compare themselves with the images they see in the media, and feel bad if they can't live up to the level of 'beauty' that is commonly presented.

But one company is challenging the trend, by using 'real' women in their ads.

I showed the Dove 'Evolution' film to a couple of teenagers, to prove that all is not what it seems. Their jaws dropped! And they demanded to watch it again and again (and again).

I'm on a mission to share the film with as many people as possible. So if you haven't already seen it, click the link below and prepare to be amazed.

Evolution

Oh, and buy some Dove products too. They deserve it.

What's in a name?

I have an IT client whose company name comprises 4 initials. It's hard to remember as it's hard to connect any meaning
to them. I solved the problem by designing a logo using each initial as a 3D 'key' from a keyboard, and by writing a range of quirky headlines starting with those 4 letters.

The HSA is currently running a series of ads that address the same problem in a similar way.

Scene 1: Woman stroking donkey
Copy: 'Housewife Shakes Ass'

Scene 2: HSA Logo
Copy: Healthplans Simple Affordable

A great example of How to Sell with Acronyms!

How to p*ss off your most loyal customers, in one easy lesson.

Have you seen the latest Mitchell and Webb ads for Apple Mac computers?

Most of them are, well, quite cool I suppose. Amusing. Irreverant. And no doubt that's the effect Apple was aiming for.

But there is one ad that states, 'PC for the office, Apple for the home'.

Now, while less than 10% of the world's computers may be Apples, it's over 90% in the design industry. And we design professionals don't like being taken less seriously than other businesses!

Apple: that ad is rotten.

"Don't worry, you have not got cancer."

That was in a doctor's letter sent to me some years ago after a routine test.

WHHAAATTTT!

I didn't even know they were testing for cancer!!! Suddenly, I was worried about something that I hadn't been worrying about at all before.

The current slogan being used in the ad campaign for Dolland & Aitchison opticians reminds me of that letter.

They state, "We promise to treat you like a person, not a sausage".

Until I saw that, I didn't know that other opticicans do treat people like sausages. Presumably that's what D&A research uncovered, but I must admit, it's not been my experience. In fact, I left them a while ago for a local optician who gives a more personal service than they did!

Now I'm worried about D&A. Surely that can't be the best thing they can find to say about themselves?

Turn it on its head

The other day, one of my clients asked my advice about an ad they'd designed for a local magazine. It had their logo at the top, then a picture and some text, then their phone number. It looked nice, but it was upside-down.

First it needed a headline at the top that answered 'What's In It For Me?' for their potential customers.

Then the picture and the copy.

Then the phone number. Big. As a call to action.

And finally, their logo.

Why does it have to be this way up? Because no-one cares who you are until they know what you can do for them.

What a let down

I remember an ad I saw when I was a child, with a Scalextric car that whizzed through the air with sparks flying and fireworks exploding all around it.

I told my parents, 'I want one of those'.

They said, 'It doesn't really do that, you know.'

But how could they show a car that flew with fireworks if it didn't really happen? I wanted to see for myself.

I pestered my parents. They bought me the car. And of course it didn't.

Food porn

There is an M&S ad with a lovingly shot close-up of a double chocolate pudding ... lush, dark sponge ... smooth, melted filling ... dribble of thick rich cream ... Santana's sexy Samba Pa Ti or Fleetwood Mac's The Albatross playing in the background ... and the slow female voiceover: 'This is not just food. It's M&S food'.

I was watching it with my 13-year-old 'sort of' step-daughter, and she said: 'I don't like these ads – what are they all about?'

Luckily for M&S, she's not their target market. But I am. And I think they're delicious!

P.S. You know an ad's made an impression when it gets spoofed on YouTube, here!

Definition of a bad ad

I really don't like those shampoo ads with the strapline: 'A Totally Organic Experience'. You know the ones, where the girl is washing her hair in the shower (or under a waterfall) and moaning: 'Yes, Yes, YES!'.

They say that sex sells. And it does! But these ads are not sexy. Not funny. And not clever.

In fact, they put me off soooo much, that I absolutely refuse to buy the product.

Definition of a good ad

A good ad is not an ad that wins awards. A good ad is an ad that makes you want to buy the product.

There is a great series of TV ads featuring a dancing or ice-skating robot that transforms into a car.

I love the ads. And they deserve to win loads of prizes. But, no matter how I try, I just can't remember what car the ad is for.

(By the way, the grandmother of my 'sort of' step-daughter said to her, 'Did you know you can now buy a car that transforms into a robot?' She didn't have the heart to disappoint her.)

The Planet Sweet

Do you remember your first job interview? One of mine was for an advertising agency, and I had to do a copy test. That is, they set me a load of questions and I had to write inspiring copy in response.

One of the questions was: 'What is the most recent product you have bought, in response to advertising?'

I remember snootily replying that I wasn't taken in by any of the usual advertising tricks. I was wrong. Since then, I've been conscious of adverts influencing what I buy.

For example, I have recently been on the lookout for the new sweets from Mars, called 'Planets'. A great name for them, on so many levels!

According to the TV ads, the packs include chocolates with soft, crispy and chewy centres – almost the same ingredients as a classic Mars Bar.

They show the first filling, soft nougat. 'Yum,' I thought, 'I like nougat.'

They show the second filling, crispy wafer. 'Hmm,' I thought, 'I don't like wafer much.'

They show the third filling, chewy caramel. 'Yum,' I thought, 'I like caramel. Two out of three ain't bad.' And I went to three or four sweet shops until I found my first packet to taste.

Mars is very clever.

They have stretched their brand into big bars, small bars, ice-cream, and now packet sweets. And they've launched their latest product with advertising that made me search it out and buy it.