"In fashion, twigman has gone, to be replaced by David Gandy, the male model of now. I find it hard to pay attention to male models – I always forget a pretty face – but even I can see that Gandy, the Dolce & Gabbana model from Essex with the tiny white pants, looks like a Mexican bandit on steroids. He looks as if he'd cut your throat for 10p and a packet of crisps and then give the entire female readership of the Daily Mail a fireman's lift into work.
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But why has the beefcake returned? Why has Bruce Banner become Hulk again? What has brought him back?
It's simple. It's so simple even David Gandy could understand it. The 'rise of the drip' was clearly an expression of our collective affluence. In the last boom, we had computers, call centres and automation – and money, so much money, to do everything for us. We lived in a highly sophisticated, fantastical, touch-screen culture where beefcake man was surplus to requirements.
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But things have changed. Our economy is splintering, our seas are rising and house prices are falling. Look away from the page and look back. Yes, your house just lost another £50 in value. We are afraid, and we should be. So what do we do? We should choose beefcake. Fashion has decreed it. In times of hardship and uncertainty, what sane woman wants to cuddle up to a man she knows she could beat in a fight? Who needs a sensitive accountant when all the money is going? Who needs a man to talk shoes when all the shoes have gone?
It is better to have a man who can mend things for you. And butcher sheep. And build houses and grow vegetables and make things out of bits of wood. Won't you feel safer? Won't you feel better, knowing that there is a serious lump of muscle between you and the cold, cruel world outside?"
All of which is just an excuse to include this picture.
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