Bad Ads

Now that's what I call customer service!

2012-01-25T11:56:00.001Z

With thanks to Nikki Pilkington on Facebook.

Perfect casting

2012-01-15T10:32:00.000Z

Actimel's latest ad campaign is about "the little bottle with a lot inside".I recognised the voiceover as Ronnie Corbett.Perfect casting!

This post could save your life!

2012-01-08T12:52:00.000Z

It was great to see Vinnie Jones in this BHF ad demonstrating resuscitation with humour.

When I was taught first aid years ago in the Girl Guides, the ratio was 15 chest compressions to 2 rescue breaths. It was the same when I trained years later as an Emergency First Responder as part of my PADI scuba diving qualifications.

But the advice has been amended due to modern research findings.

These days, I produce manuals for a client who trains paramedics. Through that, I found that the European Resuscitation Council (ERC) and American Heart Association (AHA) changed the guidelines in 2010.

Once someone's heart has stopped beating, they are, in effect, already dead (so don't worry about hurting them when you compress their chest).

You don't need to breathe into their lungs via mouth-to-mouth because there is still some oxygen in their bloodstream. You just need to keep the blood flowing round the body, so oxygen reaches their brain until the paramedics get there. You do that by 'pumping' their heart for them, through their chest.Do not delay or interrupt chest compressions. Stop only if/when they show signs of regaining consciousness.

Like Vinnie says, it's not hard.

BTW, if you don't like Stayin' Alive, then the rhythm of Nellie the Elephant works just as well!

P.S. Trained rescuers who are willing and able are advised to do 30 compressions and 2 rescue breaths for a better outcome.

Male nudity in ads

2011-12-11T10:17:00.001Z

How to do it

How not to do it

Online checkout in real life

2011-12-02T13:51:00.001Z

Love this! Not sure how it promotes Analytics though.

What's in a name?

2011-11-06T16:27:00.000Z

I saw an Eddie Stobart lorry on the M23 yesterday, bearing the name 'Cleo Lola'.

Did you know that every vehicle gets its own name? It's a genius way of getting their drivers to take more care on the road!

Googling to find some background information, I also found a Saddos spotter site!

Sauna, anyone?

2011-10-28T10:44:00.000+01:00

Best way for girls to lose weight

2011-10-27T10:02:00.001+01:00

Less is more

2011-10-17T13:42:00.003+01:00

An oldie but a goodie (with thanks to the inestimable John Howitt for bringing it to my attention).

For all my biker friends...

2011-10-14T08:31:00.002+01:00

There are times

2011-10-10T09:47:00.002+01:00

when you really should be more careful with your proofreading.

I tried to contact them to let them know, but I don't plan to phone the US from the UK, there was no email address and the contact form wasn't working (in Safari). Strangely (?), the web developer's name was also missing from the footer.

Now that's what I call advertising

2011-09-15T18:40:00.001+01:00

I don't like tea either!

2011-09-13T11:15:00.000+01:00

I may have mentioned before that I don't like tea. It comes from when I was a part-time tea-lady at Allders of Croydon, aged 16. I had to serve the stuff to 450 staff with industrial-sized tea-bags and a giant urn. Since then, I can't stand the smell of it.

Pass the gin!

I'm not often lost for words

2011-09-02T08:21:00.003+01:00

But I don't quite know what to say about this ad.
Would you really fancy 'buns of cheese'? I wouldn't. But then I don't fancy 'cheesestrings' either.

Straight up

2011-08-30T14:27:00.001+01:00

I don't like the 'straight talking' Wonga.com ads. Apart from anything else, they omit the important fact that their APR is enormous (especially for anyone who pays late).

Radio blah blah

2011-08-27T08:17:00.000+01:00

I heard a Microsoft Office ad on the radio where a child actor said something like: "And I can add Word Art to my essays to make them look fantastic!"

Nooooo!

Word Art is to be avoided at all costs. It's hideous. Yuk.

Not good enough!

2011-08-26T08:57:00.000+01:00

I resigned my membership from my local health club because they withdrew one of the dance classes I attend regularly, and it was no longer worth it.

They demand three months' notice (even though they only gave one month's notice that the class was being cancelled). Sure enough, the contract does not commit them to offering any particular classes.

I handed in my resignation letter, but didn't even receive an acknowledgement, let alone a courtesy call asking why I was leaving and whether there was anything they could do to convince me to stay.

Shame. If they'd played it differently, I might still leave but would be more likely to encourage others to join.

I sent an email to object. A few days days later, they called to say 'Your membership will expire at the end of November."

Oh no it won't!

I was careful to ensure my letter was handed in at the end of July, so my membership expires at the end of October.

I had to kick up quite a fuss, but eventually, she agreed.

Given such appalling customer service, I won't miss it.

Yes, David Lloyd Beckenham. I'm taking about YOU.

-----
After complaining to the manager, they have reinstated the dance class on another day, agreed to display posters to promote it, and have sent a letter about my resignation. Too little, too late? I haven't decided.

If you can't say it, sing it. If you can't sing it...

2011-08-22T16:39:00.000+01:00

...put it in a Haribo ad.

Sooooo bad.

Ad of the century

2011-08-16T21:35:00.000+01:00

Story of the Smash Martians on Creativepool.

How times change...

2011-08-10T15:29:00.000+01:00

Ad placement #Fail

2011-08-06T08:06:00.000+01:00

Thanks to eagle-eyed spotters for sharing these and more all over t'Internet for our amusement.

Friday fun

2011-08-05T09:50:00.002+01:00

Slow-motion dogs catching treats.

Yes, it's an ad. And yes, it's had millions of views.

A bit of fun with flyers!

2011-08-01T16:59:00.002+01:00

I feel responsible

2011-07-26T16:11:00.001+01:00

A few years ago, a local garage asked me to design an A5 ad for them. One side was to sell cars; the other to promote their repair service.

It ended up quite lairy-looking, but that's what they wanted. It was printed on a good quality card, with a laminate finish to make the colours zing.

This week, I found they've stuck the cards on all the cars in my road*. Not under the windscreen wiper, but under the window seal on the driver's side.

Quite naturally, a number of my neighbours have pulled the cards out and thrown them away (not always in a bin).

It feels odd to see my own work littering the pavement.

I've picked them up and binned them. It feels odd to do that too.

*I thought it was illegal to touch someone's car without permission. I know it's illegal to litter.

How the mighty are fallen

2011-07-09T08:00:00.003+01:00

Estate agent #Fail

2011-07-07T16:37:00.000+01:00

There is a sign in a local estate agent's window, which reads:

LANDLORDS
All types of properties
urgently required to
meet the demand we
are currently
experiencing.

It fails the Who cares test, doesn't answer What's In It For Me, and there isn't any call-to-action.

Instead, it should be written from the landlord's point of view e.g.

LANDLORDS
Want to rent your property
quickly? We have 100s
of tenants on our books.
Call in today, and find
the right tenant for you!

All men are stupid!

2011-07-01T09:43:00.000+01:00

At least, you'd think so, according to the current trend in adverts. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I present to you the evidence:

Exhibit A. The man who can't say 'I love you'.

Exhibit B: The man who can't pour Ketchup.

Exhibit C: The man who can't control himself.

Please add your verdict in the comments below.

Gender advertising

2011-06-30T15:42:00.000+01:00

Oldie but goodie by Mitchell and Webb.

Oddvertising

2011-06-23T17:29:00.001+01:00

AdWeek has just published its 10 Funniest Commercials of All Time.

I hadn't seen most of them before. Most involve people doing stupid things. And none of them made me laugh.

All of which is probably proof that I am not an American! Lol.

The end of the word is nigh!

2011-06-20T13:58:00.000+01:00

As a copywriter, I'm often asked what I think about txt spk. I've always said it's OK as another language, but not a replacement language. It's not (yet) appropriate in academic writing or business writing. But, language is continually evolving, the word 'innit' is in the OED, and – just as we don't write now how we wrote 100 years ago – we won't write in 100 years the way we write now.

Ladies and gentlemen, as the logo above shows, the shift has already begun.

I saw it in an ad on the back of a bus, to advise 16- to 24-year-olds about chlamydia. As soon as the 16 to 24s are old enough to influence mainstream media, I suspect we'll all be writing 'ur' for 'your' and no-one will have time any more for us old fogeys who know about 'proper' spelling and grammar.

#TimeToGoOutToGrass?

World's best 404?

2011-06-17T17:05:00.002+01:00

Credit where credit's due

2011-06-09T16:48:00.001+01:00

I recently leased a new car. I shopped around various websites online and different local garages offline.

There was one place where the salesman didn't give me a hard sell.

I bought the car.

He talked me through how everything worked, and phoned me after a couple of weeks to see if it was all OK.

It was.

After a couple of months, the headrest of the driver's seat got stuck against the sun visor and pulled it off.

The girl who answered the phone was friendly and helpful.

Their service team were fabulous and arranged a repair within days, under warranty.

Their engineer fixed it within minutes, using a plastic sheet on the seat and protective paper on the floor.

Meanwhile, the salesman spotted me in their waiting area, recognised me, and offered me tea or coffee.

Who is this paragon of virtue? WJ King Bromley.

After a lifetime of unfortunate experiences with car dealers, I am happy to recommend them.

Missing a trick?

2011-06-07T07:57:00.000+01:00

I keep seeing this ad on the back of buses, and wondering if there is another version, with the text and image in blue, with a female face and the word 'Upset' instead of 'Angry'. It seems not. At least, not yet.

The 'angry' website

When my first car* was stolen years ago, I remember more tears than tantrums.

*Red 'Coke bottle' Cortina Mark 111, since you ask.

Easy Jet? Difficult Jet, more like!

2011-05-23T17:32:00.000+01:00

Yes, yes, I know it's a budget airline with all the corners knocked off, but you would think they actually don't want you to fly with them.

Example.

I was flying back from Milan yesterday. At the point in the flight when other airlines would say: "Ladies and Gentlemen. We are 10 minutes from landing. When you leave the aircraft, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Thank you for flying with us. We hope you have a pleasant onward journey."

What Easy Jet said was this: "Ladies and Gentlemen. We are 10 minutes from landing. When you leave the aircraft, please remember to take all your belongings with you because we have to turn the plane around quickly and fly to Nice."

Ooer, Oreo!

2011-05-17T21:38:00.002+01:00

I find something rather disturbing about the Lick Race adverts. Judging by the comments, it's not just me!

So bad it's good?

2011-05-15T11:10:00.003+01:00

Or just bad?

You decide!

What's 'Angey'?

2011-05-12T14:34:00.000+01:00

When I glimpsed the new Jaffa Cake slogan, I read it as 'Truly, Madly or Angey'

Angey?

Plus or minus?

2011-05-11T09:14:00.000+01:00

When I first saw these ads, I didn't like the Yorkshire stereotyping. #Fail.

When I did some more research for today's blog post, I noticed that PlusNet reps are monitoring and responding to customer comments all over social media. #Pass.

Which is more annoying?

2011-05-08T08:02:00.001+01:00

Halifax's 'Yeah yeah' ad or 'ISA ISA baby'?

Hit 'Post a comment' to place your vote.

Deer Peepol, if u karnt spel, pleez yooz a pruufreeder

2011-05-01T14:34:00.000+01:00

This is from the front page of my local paper.

Apart from the questionable name – Ladyzone?! – I don't think I want to look or feel 'FANSTASTIC' anytime, thank you.

Shame on you, Mercedes Benz!

2011-04-27T23:54:00.001+01:00

An apostrophe is just a little thing. Why do so many people get it wrong?

Looking into my crystal ball

2011-04-15T11:14:00.000+01:00

I predict that location-based marketing is The Next Big Thing!

This innovative 'poster' dispenses doggy treats when you 'check in' on FourSquare.

Woof, woof!

The slogan that made me splutter with disbelief

2011-03-28T08:53:00.002+01:00

'Nuff said.

When it’s OK to break all the rules

2011-03-14T17:45:00.004Z

Ling is the ‘Chinglish’ IT geek and constant creative who famously turned down investment from Dragon’s Den.

LingsCars is her chaotic website, often nominated ‘world’s worst’. It would not be considered ‘elegant’ by any stretch of a web designer’s imagination. However, Ling has won endless awards for her business.

Admittedly, the site will only appeal to people who ‘get’ her sense of humour. For example, she writes ‘WAH’ all over the page, has a ‘car-u-like-ator’ that works like a fruit machine to help you choose your new car, and includes a ‘moans’ page where she deals publicly (and cheekily) with complaints.

What comes through is a genuine personality. (People do business with people.)

Her secret of success? She’s coded a highly automated system that is also a very human experience. Placing an order makes you smile at every stage.

At one point in the process you are offered a free gift such as a ‘cash bribe’. You are then sent a branded envelope including a personalised letter, a banknote worth 6-7p that her sister picked up from the bank in China, together with some wrapped Polo mints that she’s taken from the counter.

It makes you actually enjoy the process of dealing with leasing paperwork. The cost to Ling is endless imagination plus a stamp and a tiny percent of her profit. The result is this blog and allegedly more letters from satisfied customers than any other site on the Internet.

Ling does cheap car leasing, but she could have sold anything from theatre tickets to holiday bookings. Imbued with her customary humour and customer service focus, I’m sure she’d make a success of those businesses too. Even if her website does nearly make your eyes bleed.

Lovely livery

2011-03-11T15:26:00.000Z

Marketing encompasses business uniforms, building signage and vehicle livery too. So whaddya think of this piece of creative design work, then? Clever old PepsiCo.

In times of austerity...

2011-03-02T10:35:00.000Z

consumers clip coupons, use voucher codes, and look for any discount offers they can find.

There's a TV ad running at the moment for FantasticSavings.com, with an animated piggy bank and script proclaiming the money you can save. Trouble is, the voiceover talks about 'exciting brands' with an image showing a pack of Tampax Pearl.

Exciting? Not really.

Spot the difference

2011-02-15T10:25:00.000Z

Frank Sinatra

Harry Connick Junior

Two handsome singers. 'So what does this have to do with your Bad Ads blog?', you may be asking yourself. 'What does this teach me about UK advertising and marketing?'

Well, I saw the first picture displayed as a poster in a café on Saturday, during the lunchbreak from the London meeting of the Professional Speaking Association. The poster was at the far end of the table, so I couldn't read the caption, and at first, I thought it showed Harry Connick Junior (I don't think I'd ever seen a picture of Frank Sinatra looking so young).

But this blog post isn't about my poor face-recognition, nor Frank Sinatra, nor Harry Connick Junior! It's about using speaking as a way to promote your expertise (and therefore your business products or services).

So far, I've learned that speakers can get paid more than trainers (as you may know, I'm a trainer as well as a copywriter and author). So I may well be spending more time at the PSA and in the café looking at the young Frank in future!

Would becoming a speaker be a useful addition to your marketing mix?

Back of a lorry

2011-02-11T14:37:00.000Z

In the olden days, when I worked for a home shopping company, my team had to design branded vehicle livery. I remember being briefed to include red glow-in-the-dark stripes on the back, for Health & Safety reasons.

Since then, I notice lots of lorries displaying 'How's my driving?' phone numbers. Has anyone ever responded to those, I mean, really?

On my way to collect my parents from Gatwick Airport* yesterday, I was stuck on the motorway behind a removal lorry that had a multiple choice quiz on the back, with answers on the company's website. Trouble is, I can't remember the web address (and now I've lost interest anyway).

A good idea, badly executed.

*a.k.a. Gatport Airwick

The power of copywriting

2011-02-09T15:26:00.002Z

This short film gives me goose-bumps, every time I think of it.

Feel the force

2011-02-04T09:48:00.001Z

With over 4.5m views so far, VW shows that YouTube is the way to go!

Go to the top of the class!

2011-02-03T13:58:00.000Z

LowCostHolidays.com

1. A business name and domain name that 'does what it says on the tin'

2. And a CEO who gives holiday tips on the radio.

Maybe they've been reading this blog? Either way, they seem to be doing everything right, and get top marks from me!

18 million people can't be wrong

2011-01-30T13:44:00.000Z

I guess that's the message hidden in the current Confused.com campaign. You have probably seen the TV version, with the cartoon characters dancing about to Queen's 'Somebody to Love' (look where she pulls the mic stand from!)

Trouble is, saying 'We have 18m million members' is all about them. It doesn't answer 'What's in it for me' from the customer's point of view.

More about WIIFM.

Now, that's what I call creativity! (part 2)

2011-01-20T09:59:00.001Z

Yes, it's a bus shelter. Yes, it's been made to look like an oven, with a real heating element in the ceiling. Yes, it's an ad, promoting the new hot breakfast sandwiches being sold by Caribou Coffee.

To experience the warmth in real life, you'll have to go to Minneapolis.

Top tip: It's a good example of what I have told you before. You have to stand out from the rest to get noticed – you have to BE DIFFERENT!

Now, that's what I call creativity!

2011-01-18T13:34:00.000Z

If you have a few seconds to spare, visit http://benthebodyguard.com/, then click and hold to scroll down this genius ad for a smartphone privacy app.

Source: CreativePool

Proofreading error of the year

2011-01-15T09:50:00.000Z

Visit The Oak pub in Widmore Road, Bromley, and you will see a calendar hanging over the bar, already turned to September 2011. It depicts a scene of cheering football fans with a caption that should read:

Jamie Muir

Scunthorpe United No. 1 Fan

Guess which letter was accidentally cropped off the image?

The personalised calendar cost £12.99 from Gosport, and was a Christmas gift to the landlord, Jamie Muir, from his mum.

A spokesman from the club said: "It was not our fault."

Stickers have been provided to the 2,000 fans who received the calendar, to stick over the error.

Top tip: get it write!

My party trick

2011-01-14T12:08:00.001Z

Guess what! I can still recite the entire 'Lipsmackin' slogan from the 1970s' Pepsi ad:

Is your slogan so powerful that it will be remembered 30-40 years on?

I feel insulted

2011-01-13T14:16:00.004Z

A contact of mine recommended me to a prospective new client. Hoorah! It was in the travel sector. Double hoorah! I love travel, writing about travel, and have written for travel industry clients in the past.

The prospect emailed to say: 'Congratulations, you're on the shortlist. Please complete this short assignment by tomorrow midday, and we'll decide.'

The assignment was to write a 'snappy/punchy' headline and two lines of descriptive copy about five different topics.

I replied to say thanks but no thanks.

At this stage of my career, I don't see why I should have to provide unpaid copywriting in order to win business (although I am perfectly happy to provide samples of copy I've written before, if that helps.)

Before I write a word for a new client, I meet them for a proper brief, to find out all about them, their product /service, their target market and their competitors. (For existing clients, the process is much quicker, because I've already been through that learning curve, researched everything I need to know about the background context, and established the appropriate 'tone of voice'.)

For good copywriting, there is no such thing as a 'short' assignment (in my opinion). Writing something short (e.g. the perfect 'snappy/punchy' title) actually takes longer than writing something long.

In order to write a title and benefit-led text on this occasion, I would have had to spend time researching their website and blog, as well as conducting telephone interviews. I would also want to know who the communication is aimed at, what is the objective and in what format it will appear. Only then would I be able to writing compelling copy that gets the results they are after.

I don't see why I should do that for nothing and at such short notice.

So are they cheeky monkeys or am I a fool for turning work away?

"Oh no it isn't!"

2011-01-12T10:19:00.001Z

Panto season may be over, but I found myself shouting this at the TV when I saw the new Co-op 'plea' ad.

Buy Food Within Easy..
Watch the ad...

It's all around convenience – using your weekend to do what you really want to do, rather than doing the weekly shop. Fair enough.

The ads are appealing scripted (I've seen both husband and wife versions). Fair enough.

Although one does include this line: "Only buy what you want, when you want it." Hmm, yes, I do that anyway, and don't need advertorial incitement!

The trouble is, my nearest Co-op is miles away, so it's not convenient at all :-(

Not only that, but the ad doesn't tell you why Co-op is better than any other supermarket.

Top tip 1: If you are targeting by location, be specific.

Top tip 2: Don't promote your generic sector, promote yourself.

Déja vu?

2011-01-11T14:37:00.000Z

I saw a new TV ad recently. Hmm, that logo looks familiar, I thought. Any similarity is no doubt entirely coincidental!

So who is Nisa anyway? Find out in The Grocer.

No comparison

2011-01-10T15:45:00.001Z

Imagine the scene. Every price comparison website that is not Compare the Market briefs their ad agency the same way: "I want something like the meerkat, but different."

Go Compare's famously annoying 'Go Compario' character has recently evolved into a silent movie:

That's some relief!

Meanwhile, Compare the Market bravely allowed their advertisers to create a whole parallel website for Compare the Meerkat (which has even boosted sales of cuddly toys and visitors to the meerkat enclosure in the zoo.) There's even a Compare the Mongoose site. I wonder how much further it will go from the original product?

So Go Compare have launched a parallel radio campaign, advertising 'lolly brollies' - use it when it rains, eat it afterwards.

In my view, this ad hasn't a hope of competing with the cuddly creature, as it leaves you thinking about a useless product. I can't imagine what they were thinking!

It's not April 1st yet, is it?

Get your kit off!

2011-01-07T10:53:00.001Z

Have you seen this ad for Warner Leisure Hotels?

It's like a low budget version of the utterly brilliant T-shirt War!

#EpicFail

2011-01-06T11:52:00.001Z

See how 'down with the kids' I am, using the above title! (All kids feel free to cringe.)

I am merely quoting one of the comments on the new Volvo 'how to make a car ad' ad:

The problem is – as with all such self-referential advertising – this ad is so far up its own bum that it can see daylight.

Made me laugh!

2010-12-30T11:42:00.000Z

Newsroom calls transcribed from the News Shopper 29 December 2010:

Elderly lady: I would like you to write a story about the funny-shaped clouds in the sky today. Have a look out of the window, they are really straight.
NewsShopper: I am looking at them and they look like normal clouds to me.
EL: No, they are not. They are straight and lots of other strange things have been happening since they appeared.
NS: Oh really? Like what?
EL: Well, my knees have been hurting and my cat has been walking funny. Please write a story about it.

Old woman: I want my Dunkirk memories in the newspaper, like that man.
NewsShopper: Oh, do you mean the article I did on the 70th anniversary of Dunkirk?
OW: Yes. Why didn't you put my memories in?
NS: Well, I didn't know you...this is the first time you've contacted me.
OW: I want my memories in the newspaper.
NS: I know, but it's too late now as I've already written the article and it's been published.
OW: Well, just add my memories at the bottom of the article.
NS: But it's already been published.
OW: I want my memories in the newspaper.
NS: There's nothing I can do. I can't really call the paper back just to add it in, or staple a piece about you to the bottom of the page, can I?
OW: Yes, do that.
NS: I can't do that.
OW: I want my memories in the newspaper.
NS: I know, but I'm afraid it's...
OW: I can't be bothered with this. I'm very old. (Hangs up)

Club owner: I am opening a new nightclub and we are getting some mega-famous celebrities from EastEnders in over the next few weeks. Can you give me a bit of publicity in the news section?
NewsShopper: Well, I'm sorry but we don't usually put private business stories in the news section unless it is someone particularly famous.
CO: What, and EastEnders' stars aren't famous enough?
NS: No, not really, but you could put something in our business section?
CO: To be honest mate, you ain't gonna get much more famous than Dean Gaffney. (Hangs up)

Such a good idea!

2010-12-22T15:12:00.001Z

I was in the off-licence the other day, stocking up on wine and chocolate. By the till was a Christmas-wrapped box for tips.

I've never tipped the offy staff before, but it was labelled 'Bigger tippers make better lovers'.

So did I leave a tip this time? You betcha!

When common sense fails

2010-12-17T14:39:00.000Z

Q. What's the first thing you do after you touch a 'germy' soap dispenser?
A. Wash your hands!

This silly product is a solution without a problem.

Here we go again!

2010-12-15T10:14:00.000Z

Gold Blend revisits the relationship theme of its classic ads from the '80s. In keeping with the times, they've sexed it up a bit.

Although, in my view, it's not a patch on the original series.

The true meaning of Christmas

2010-12-13T13:40:00.000Z

The clue is in the word CHRISTmas.

I was in a local toy shop recently when someone asked for an advent calendar featuring the nativity. There were advent calendars with Thomas the Tank Engine, Bob the Builder and fluffy puppy dogs. But the shop-keeper said: "Sorry, we haven't got any with nativity scenes."

Similarly, there has been much in the press about the wide choice of supermarket 'Winter Wishes' cards and few with religious themes.

At least Argos have made an effort:

I've 'done my part' too, with my Twitter nativity guest blog post.

2 reasons why people go to the Internet

2010-12-09T08:32:00.000Z

I've written before that there are only two reasons why people go to the Internet. They are looking for information or entertainment (or a bit of both, as provided in this blog). So I was interested to re-read this passage in the book Illusions, by Richard Bach:

[Richard and Don, the reluctant messiah, have gone to the cinema to see Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in answer to Richard's question 'Why are we here?']

"...any people anywhere who go to any movie show, why are they there, when it is only illlusions?"
"Well, it's entertainment," I said.
"Fun. That's right. One."
"Could be educational."
"Good, it's always that. Learning. Two."
"Fantasy, escape."
"That's fun too. One."
"Technical reasons. To see how a film is made."
"Learning. Two."
"Escape from boredom..."
"Escape. You said that."
"Social. To be with friends," I said.
"Reason for going, but not for seeing the film. That's fun, anyway. One."
Whatever I came up with fit his two fingers; people see films for fun or learning or for both together.

Like cinema, people don't go to the Internet to be sold to (which is a challenge for those of us who do Internet marketing – we have to be so much more creative about the way we do it).

Why oh why oh why

2010-12-08T11:41:00.002Z

I couldn't help noticing the new Smirnoff vodka ad. I reproduce the script here, with their words in bold.

Triple distilled

Why?

For a purer vodka

Why?

Because we believe that a purer vodka is a better vodka

Let's unpick the script a bit more.

Why?

Because the word 'because' leads on to give you a reason to buy (giving a reason prompts customers to take action, so the word 'because' is extremely powerful!)

Because 'we believe' are weasel words. Who cares what they believe? I believe they are trying to sell something to us! It still sounds convincing though.

Because 'purer' and 'better' are also meaningless, but persuasive, words. Purer than what? Better than what?

This short script is a masterclass in copywriting.

Smirnoff – go to the top of the class!

On the subject of cameras

2010-12-07T14:16:00.003Z

(see the 'Load. Take aim. And shoot' post below)...

...the 'I am Nikon' ad series features a sequence of captions e.g. "I am Don Juan", "I am brave," "I am alive", "I am a pocket zoomer".

It took me back to when I was 10 years' old and wrote a poem called "I am a camera"*:

I see a squirrel on the roof
I see a fat lady very aloof
I see a shop
I see a pond
I see a girl with a fairy's wand
I see a boy at a sweet stall
I see some children playing ball
I see some sums being done in a book
All this I see with one long look

And now, I am signing off, and feeling slightly embarrassed.

*Yes, I am that sad person who has kept a poem I wrote when I was 10!

Cartoon experiences

2010-12-06T11:26:00.002Z

On a weekend when Facebook users were urged to replace their profile photo with a children's cartoon avatar in support of the NSPCC*, I was reminded of a cartoonish experience of my own.

At 00.43 in the Cathedral City TV ad is a deerhound.

My friend has one of those. When we walked the dog down the High Street late one night, groups of drunken teenagers at bus-stops leapt out of the way shouting 'WTF is that?!', as if they were seeing a skinny, hairy horse.

So funny.

* Ignore the hoax warning

Load. Take aim. And shoot!

2010-12-03T10:29:00.002Z

Just realised why Canon chose that name for their cameras. Der.

Their latest ad features the following slogan:

"Take more than pictures. Take stories."

It really works for me – in NLP* terms, people have a preference for Visual, Auditory or Kinaesthetic sensory inputs. That is to say, they like pictures, words or feelings. By combining a visual word 'Pictures' with an auditory word 'Stories', the slogan appeals to a wider audience.

Canon are also running a competition in association with The Guardian.

On the subject of competitions, I'm running one for December only, for subscribers to my newsletter only, to write a free slogan (usually £60+) when you send me your name, logo and USP. Sign up here.

P.S. If you're interested in NLP and how it relates to advertising, you might also like this post I wrote about Tone of Voice.

* Neuro-Linguistic Programming

Lesson from the Master

2010-12-02T13:59:00.001Z

Extracts from a manual written by David Ogilvy for AGA's 1935 advertising campaign, that still hold true today (mostly):

There are certain universal rules. Dress quietly and shave well. Do not wear a bowler hat. Go to the back door (most salesmen go to the front door, a manoeuvre always resented by maid and mistress alike)... Tell the person who opens the door frankly and briefly what you have come for. It will get her on your side. Never on any account get in on false pretences.

In general, study the methods of your competitors and do the exact opposite.

Find out all you can about your prospects before you call on them... Every hour spent in this kind of research will help you and impress your prospect.

The worst fault a salesman can commit is to be a bore... and if you can make her laugh you are several points up.

Perhaps the most important thing of all is to avoid standardisation in your sales talk. If you find yourself one fine day saying the same things to a bishop and a trapezist, you are done for.

The more prospects you talk to, the more sales you expose yourself to, the more orders you will get. But never mistake a quantity of calls for quality of salesmanship.

The good salesman combines the tenacity of a bulldog with the manners of a spaniel. If you have any charm, ooze it.

Snow joke

2010-11-30T09:58:00.000Z

On a day when the first snowfall of the season is gently settling outside my window, I bring you the 'Bad morning' ad:

From the sublime to the ridiculous

2010-11-29T09:20:00.000Z

Love this :-)

Hate this :-(

The power of slogans

2010-11-28T09:36:00.002Z

When Rafa Nadal and Novak Djokovic played at the O2 this week, there was a pause while Novak had a contact lens attended to on court. Some wag in the crowd shouted: "Should've gone to Specsavers"! Five words that have worked very well for them.

Eight words that should work very well for Terry's Chocolate Orange: "Smash it to pieces. Love it to bits."

And three little words that work very well for me: "Writing Without Waffle".

More on the power of slogans in my guest blog post earlier this month.

You and whose army?

2010-11-26T17:19:00.002Z

I met my army last night. Oh yes, I have my own army you know (so late-paying clients had better watch out)!

As evidence, here's the start of an email I received recently:

"Please find attached an invitation to an evening reception at Napier House TA Centre, with Major General W G Cubitt CBE, who commands the Army in London...As an influential figure within your community and a key opinion-former, we would welcome the opportunity to meet you and to update you on your Army."

I thought it was a spoof when I saw they consider me an 'influential figure' and 'key opinion-former'! But it turns out that, yes indeed, there is an Army Presentation Team that tours the country to promote awareness and understanding of the British Army with 'the good and the great' British public.

It seems they feel their successes are somewhat ignored in the media, who prefer to focus on bad news. So they aim to cascade more positive messages throughout the civilian community, particularly those with no connection to the armed forces (that counts me in, then).

I'm not sure why their PR machine is not doing a better job with the media, but I certainly know a bit more about the Army than I did before. For instance, they give up a lot of their freedoms so that we can enjoy ours.

British Army, I salute you!

I'm not a fan of long copy

2010-11-17T13:54:00.002Z

(as you know, my strapline is 'writing without waffle') but there's an exception to every rule, such as these fabulous entries to the CBS Outdoor 48-sheet long-copy competition.

Click to enlarge each image. Then you can enjoy each and every word.

More here

Return of the Star Wars

2010-11-15T17:08:00.000Z

I love the bit in Curry's latest ad when the camera flashes and R2D2 falls over, and then later when C3PO says: "Of course it was your fault."

It is also a great excuse to show the plot as narrated by a clueless girl:

And the Eddie Izzard Death Star canteen (warning – contains F words):

Alas, poor Croydon

2010-11-07T10:57:00.000Z

I know it well, and it doesn't deserve this:

The scrolling LED sign inside the train read: "The next station is East Croydon. Safety information is provided on posters in every carriage."

Bring back British Rail!

2010-11-06T09:00:00.002Z

I arrived early at East Croydon station. Standing on the platform, I experienced the unique frustration of watching train after train arrive, then depart for my desired destination (Brighton).

The reason I couldn't get on board any of them?

Not because I was on the wrong platform. Oh no, I was within inches of the open doors.

Not because they were too crowded. Oh no, there were plenty of available seats.

Not because I didn't have a ticket. Oh no, I'd bought it online the night before and collected it from the so-called 'quick' ticket machine at the station.

The reason was that they were all Southern trains, and my ticket only allowed me to travel on trains run by First Capital Connect.

Yes, there are two different train services that run between East Croydon and Brighton, and you have to buy a different ticket depending on which train you use.

When you order the ticket, the small print advises you can only travel on FCC trains. There is no obvious signage when you pick up the ticket, not on the platform, nor on the train.

I wonder how many non-English speakers and visitors to our fair land get caught out by this ridiculous situation?

How to do a 'how to'

2010-11-05T14:34:00.000Z

Top marks to Polycell for their 'we'll show you how' campaign using YouTube for product demonstrations e.g.

Video is the newest way to market yourself. Even I'm doing it!

Grrr!

2010-11-02T08:14:00.000Z

Remember the delicious Skoda 'cake' ad? The new Fabia ad has a leaner, greener, meaner twist. And the soundtrack is my new favourite thing!

Talking of Marmite...

2010-11-01T18:00:00.001Z

I just noticed the jar says: "I like a good squeeze" (don't we all, dear!).

Of course, Innocent Drinks' packaging is famously entertaining e.g. 'Open other end' embossed underneath the bottles.

It made me think that perhaps Ketchup is missing a trick. The label should read: "Bash my bottom" (ooer, missus).

Sinister goings-on at Sainsbury's

2010-10-31T09:50:00.001Z

Not only does the Terrible Talking Till know when I'm using bags from another supermarket (it keeps announcing 'Unrecognised item in the bagging area') but it also also knows what products I buy and prints out coupons accordingly. Yesterday, it offered me Marmite-flavoured crisps. It wouldn't dare do that if I were a Bovril girl.

It's like the time I was in the USA and got money out of an ATM (they don't call them 'holes-in-the-wall over there, and think it's rather funny that we do!). The screen read, more or less, "Here's your money, Ms Barrie. We hope you enjoy your time in our fair country. Now don't go spending it all at once. Tutty-bye!"

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised in this social media age, when everyone has access to information about everybody over the Internet.

But I do find it all somewhat disconcerting.

Welcome home!

2010-10-30T23:21:00.001+01:00

Makes you laugh, makes you cry...

Marketing is like unselfish sex

2010-10-27T08:30:00.003+01:00

Dear Clients,

Please stop asking me to write copy that describes how passionate you are about your business.

Your customers don't care about "your passion". They only care what YOU can do for THEM.

Thanks in advance.

Me x

P.S. While you're at it, please don't ask me to include your mission statement either, as refusal may offend.

Every little helps? I agree.

2010-10-25T09:25:00.000+01:00

I heartily approve of the Tesco Mobile 'no big ideas' ad, below. Instead of sponsoring racing cars, sporting events or major teams, they give back to their customers in the form of triple Clubcard points.

On the other hand, Nationwide Building Society sponsors the football. I wish they wouldn't. I'd rather they reduced the cost of borrowing or paid more interest.

Which would you prefer?

No Big Ideas - Just ..
Watch the ad...

G'night, Jim-Bob, g'night, Mary-Ellen

2010-10-24T14:16:00.004+01:00

You have to be a certain age to remember the Waltons, with its closing 'g'night' scene. For all those who missed it the first time round, EDF Energy have brought it back to life (i.e. recycled it) with their new Eco Manager ad:

G'night, Gran'ma.

Antici........pation!

2010-10-21T14:05:00.002+01:00

As soon as I saw the opening image of this new Cadbury's ad, I knew we were in for a treat! And so it came to pass. If I gave out 'ad of the week' awards, they'd win it.

Name that tune

2010-10-20T09:01:00.000+01:00

When any ad is posted on YouTube, one of the most popular comments seems to be 'What music are they playing?' In the new Heinz ad, they are whistling Elvis's 'Love me tender' as they blow on hot soup. Good choice. And now it'll be stuck in my head all day!

Quick ticket? Oh no it isn't!

2010-10-19T11:49:00.000+01:00

It's the third time I've used this facility recently. Each time, I've pre-bought my ticket online, arrived punctually at East Croydon station, then had to choose a queue from the eight tentacles of twitchy commuters encircling the machines in the centre of the concourse and hesitantly navigating their way around the touch screen maze. It's a badly designed layout and non-intuitive interface. Just what you don't need when people are in a hurry to catch their train!

Standing out from the rest

2010-10-15T10:27:00.006+01:00

You just can't escape the marketing of a solicitor near me in Bromley. Their blue-and-yellow branding seems to be everywhere I look! Even at the gym, there was an ad inside the locker door of a fish swimming in the opposite direction to all the others.

Their approach is definitely different from traditional solicitors' advertising. And I bet being this brave wins them business.

He, he, I'm a TV star!

2010-10-13T10:15:00.007+01:00

Did you know YouTube is now the second most popular search engine?

In keeping with the advice I give clients about video being the newest way to market yourself (especially when you are what you are selling), here's my first mini training video. A series of marketing videos will follow, each linked to guest blog posts and my book.

I'm feeling a bit shy about featuring in my own little movies, but I hope you find them useful.

Notes on using video marketing
1. Many people's preference for taking in information is TV and cinema rather than reading. Despite this benchmark, the level of professionalism in video has dropped to home-made standard (just as print production levels dropped with the advent of desktop publishing).

2. I've found it's surprisingly easy and affordable to shoot, edit and upload videos to YouTube with a Flip video camera.

Notes on being a 'TV star'
1. Ooer, you can see how long my hair has become since my profile photo was taken a couple of years ago! Maybe I'd better arrange some new shots. Or get a haircut.
2. I much prefer directing to starring; I did my best, but I'm certainly not a natural in front of the camera. In fact, the friend who helped me during the shoot told me I'm "no Keira Knightley". My hopes of appearing with Johnny Depp in the next Pirates film have been forever dashed :-(

ARGH! Who do I have to sleep with

2010-10-08T11:35:00.003+01:00

to get the ex-resident of my house off the Boots Advantage Card mailing list?

For 10 years they have been sending unsolicited mail to her at my address, and for 10 years I have been helpfully crossing out her details, writing 'Gone away, return to sender' on the envelope, and putting it back in the postbox.

For 10 years they have ignored me, and keep sending more junk.

This morning, I phoned their 0845 number to get her details updated once and for all, but got caught in a computerised voice loop hell.

It's a waste of their paper and postage and a waste of my time.

GRRR.

Boots' marketeers 'get the boot' from me today.

I feel dirty

2010-10-05T10:36:00.000+01:00

That sneaky meerkat tempted me to click his 'filthy muskrat' link on Facebook.

It's not so much the fact that muskrat p*rn exists on the Internet, it's what it's referencing that worries me!

My business card story

2010-10-01T12:43:00.000+01:00

Despite me wittering on for years about 'people buy people' and 'use your own photo in your marketing if you are what you are selling', my own business cards used to be more corporate than personal.

That's all changed.

At last night's networking event, I passed around a choice of old and new business cards. Everybody, yes, everybody, chose the one with my picture on.

Which would you choose?

Old business cards

New business cards

The worst ad I've seen lately

2010-09-25T08:31:00.000+01:00

is the Oxy megaphone ad. The mum shouts at the teenager about his spots. He then shouts at the viewer. Why oh why? Give 'em all an ASBO, that's what I say.

3 top trends in advertising

2010-09-24T11:37:00.000+01:00

1. We like to see and hear real people in ads, not just actors.
2. We believe what other customers say more than we believe what suppliers say.
3. And social media is increasingly being used to market products and services, as opposed to traditional media.

I have written about these trends before.

I heard another fine example on the radio yesterday. It's an ad for Eurostar, called 'Postcards from Europe', with a selection of podcasts/phone-ins from Brits joyfully describing what they can see in the exciting destinations they have travelled to.

I heartily approve.

It's much more convincing than Eurostar paying a voiceover artist to read a polished script in a recording studio, that's for sure.

Common sense is an uncommon commodity

2010-09-22T12:29:00.000+01:00

Maybe I'm a bit behind the times, but I saw my first Oyster card* this week (that shows you how rarely I travel on public transport!).

The one I saw didn't look anything like the one in the picture below (it was white). What's more, it didn't look anything like the Oyster card reader.

How is a person supposed to know that they should wave the blue (or white) card over the yellow circle with the swirl?

It's supposed to be quick and easy to use, but it seems to me that a bit of consistency and basic information design - making the things match each other for a start - would make it quicker and easier for everyone.

* Oyster card is a prepaid 'quick ticket' for regular users of public transport in London.